Some things just don't go together do they? Like Daphne off Eggheads and suspenders. Or seeing yer Grandad in a mankini. Walkies was round Jacob Smith Park with me Dad this morning and there was this old bloke there looking at his mobile phone, just stood there looking at it, and you could just see he was thinking to himself "what is this strange and magical thing I have in my hand?" A bit like you'd just given King Canute an iPad. And then it rang and he was so startled that he dropped it, I swear. It was like "Jesus Christ what's it doing now!" The guy nearly shat himself, which is quite an undignified thing to do in the middle of Jacob Smith Park. I mean I'm sure that me Dad would have helped out, as he never goes anywhere without a pocket full of pooh bags, but even so. Old people, mobile phones, JUST SAY NO.
I was walking past the bookies with me Dad before and there was a big sign in the window saying that Liverpool are 17/2 to win the Premier League next season.
For those of you that don't understand betting, that means if you put £10 on, you lose £10. Pooh count: four, one of which curiously looked exactly like Steven Gerrard. Except it didn't beat anybody up in a bar obviously.
Did you see that guy throw a custard pie in Rupert Murdoch's face on the telly last night? The Clown Prosecution Service are investigating that one I hear. Pooh count: three, two toblerones and a very rare Milky Way....shabba....
It could be an interesting Turd of the Week competition this week with British Unfairways, a very strong contender, now facing major opposition from News International. These two look like finishing well clear of Ukraine Customs and Faulty Airconditioning. The latter, amusingly, was tucked behind a hotel curtain (great place to put an air conditioning unit) and despite making strong whirring noises all night didn't actually push out any cold air at all. It was also remote controlled, so me Dad couldn't physically press any buttons to switch it off, but of course there was no remote control present. So he kind of got all the downside of a noisy air conditioning system running all night without any of the benefits of it actually keeping the room cool. Cool! Pooh count: a load lightening three so far. Groovy.