German FIFA leader Sep Blatter reassures us by saying that there is no racism in football, and IF there was then it could all be sorted with a handshake after the match. Thanks for your comforting input there Sepp. He went on to say that this problem doesn't exist in German football "as we don't allow the blacks in - they have an unfair advantage due to their very wide nostrils" before going on to condemn a Jewish refusal to shake hands at the end of WWII as "unsporting". Sounds a bit like Cockney rhyming slang for something you do when you've got the trots doesn't it "Sepp Blatter" - "I'd stay out of trap three if I was you mate, I've got a terrible dose of the Ertha Kitts and there's Sepp Blatter all over the shop in there."
Having famously devoured a hamster a few years ago now, the I'm a Celebrity mob obviously decided to get their own back on behalf of pets all over the world and force their captive has-been talentless "comic" to eat so much rubbish that poor old Freddie has had to be sent home with a gippy tum tum, I read. According to the Beeb the unfunny man was made to eat "mice tails, a pig's anus, cooked camel toe and turkey testicles" amongst other delicacies before coming over all queasy and having to get the next bus out of the jungle and whisked into hospital. "They couldn't find anything wrong with me physically," he says, which suggests to me that your problems are mental Freddie. Still, on a brighter note you've got a nicely coiled terrier pooh on a mahogany plinth to look forward to when you get home me old son, so it's not all bad is it now?
Now then...now then pop pickers, this weeks non-mover is Jimmy Saville. Hows about that then? Come on, I'm only a dog....
Not that I follow these things, but I see that Fatima Whitbread is to make an appearance in I'm A Celebrity. Have you seen the state of her these days? I mean she was never a looker, but even so. Like David Dickinson on steroids she is. Single Mum Fatima (yes single Mum, that poses a fairly obvious question doesn't it) says that the hardest part about her personal Rumble in the Jungle will be leaving her son a home. She's obviously never thought that he might be relieved not to have her hanging round the school gates at home time. "Look at Whitbread's Mum over there, the one with the beard, wrestling with that bear." It's always an embarrassment when your Mum looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger after he's fallen into a bucket of creosote isn't it? Pooh count: two, one of which could have passed for Ms Whitbread in a certain light I feel.