Luis Suarez has been banned by the FA for one match for being racist. The other seven games in the ban are for being a greasy Kopite spick. Apparently...

My mate Woody always used to chase people on a bike. So they took his bike off him. Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day. So they gave him his bike back 'cos they reckoned that his bark was worse than his bike. Pooh count: just the one, and no sign of that penguin wrapper yet either. Smokin....

I'm almost back to my old self today. I have to be, otherwise they'll be taking me back to the vets where who knows what that wretched woman would try inserting up my arse next. I've developed a new trick in which I swallow two separate pieces of string and when they come out the other end they're tied together. I shit you knot...

Not feeling too bright this morning. Ate half a penguin whilst out on me walk on Saturday morning. The bisqwitty confectionery kind, not the sort that you find in the Antarctic. I mean I wouldn't go for a walk in the Antarctic would I? Not without the right equipment anyway. No, I ate half a penguin and the wrapper, which put me right off me food over the weekend, so much so that me Dad has had me down to the vets this morning. There was an Afghan hound in there with only three legs. Bloody Taliban bastards. Anyway this woman wanted to stick this thing up me arse, a white plasticy thing with numbers on it. I was having none of that caper, what sort of a dog does she think I am? I may have sniffed a few in me time, as you do, just to be sociable like but I certainly don't partake in that sort of Barrymore malarky. So I bit her. Not hard, just enough so she got the message. She got the message all right, she stuck this bloody needle thing in me neck the cheeky mare. So I bit her