...a farmer's dog, a robber's dog and a banker's dog are walking past a butcher's shop, The banker's dog says "I know, I've got a really good idea, why don't we club together and see how much money we've got. If we've got enough, let's go in there and buy that piece of meat." The robber's dog says "Nah, bollocks to that, let's just go in there and steal that piece of meat." The farmer's dog says "no, why don't we just hang around outside the door, howling and whining, and maybe they'll give it to us?" Woof.

For this dish you need half a pound of Labrador shit (ignore what Nigella says, Labrador shit is best for this recipe, and you can find it in the chiller at Asda these days if you don't fancy foraging for your own) and some Choux pastry (you can make it yourself if you can be arsed) and a pint of double cream. Lightly grease a large baking sheet and put bits of rolled into a ball shaped proshiteroles on it and pop them into a medium oven for about ten minutes. Meanwhile, gently melt the Labrador shit in a bowl placed over a pan of simmering water. Gently is the watchword here, you don't want to go at it like a bull in a China shop or the shit will curdle and split. Keep stirring the shit until it's all melted. (If you're a student then you can skip this bit and simply place your shit on a microwavable plate and ding it on high for around 4 minutes). It won't taste as good, but as you're a student you will neither care nor realise that this is the case. Leave you

I often get asked about my favourite foods, and if I could pass on some of my culinary expertise onto you, my adoring public. So here goes, in the first of what I hope will be a regular series, is my Recipe D'Jour, something that you could maybe cook at home for your loved one this evening. Today we are going to start with a firm favourite of mine, Dog Shit Ravioli. Take about a pound of dog shit (avoid the white  stuff it's too dry for this dish) and shallow fry it with some chopped shallots, garlic and fresh oregano. Roll out some ravioli pastry, quite thin. Make little parcelly things out of the pastry and dog shit. Place in a large pan of boiling water for 5 minutes. Garnish with truffle oil. Enjoy. Tomorrow: Dog Cack Au Vin. Woof