Goes into B&Q and says "the missus keeps going on about this bloody Fifty Shades of Grey film, have you got any rope and duct tape?" The guy behind the counter says "sorry mate, we've had a bit of a run on them since that came out, we're completely sold out." The bloke says "OK then, give us a chain saw and some bin bags." Woof. Fucking cold today isn't it? That pavement's fucking freezing you know. It's all right for you lot with yer fucking shoes on. You fucking pansies. My little paws are frozen solid. Still, it's nice and warm and snuggly on me bed. A fucking king sized double that's what I've got, with me own special blanket on it as well. Me Mum and Dad say that they put that on there to keep the winnets off the duvet. The cheeky buggers. Winnets. Noun. The semi solidified pieces of faeceal matter encrusted to the hairs around a dog's ring piece. syn. Bum crumbs, Klingons.

The world of light entertainment has been rocked today by Lenny Henry's shock confession that he is a completely talentless twat. "Lenny felt that he was unable to hide this terrible truth from the public any longer," said his agent. The startling revelation sent shock waves around the BBC and ITV that other similarly talentless wankers might also break strict Equity rules and 'fess up that they are afflicted with the same tragic condition. Recent Mintel research suggests that as many as 2 in 5 celebrities could be secretly concealing a total lack of ability to do or say anything half fucking sensible. Holding back tears "a day comes when you can't just say 'Katanga' in a stupid voice and get away with it any longer, and that day is here today," Henry told reporters outside his London home. Dawn French was unavailable for comment.