Fuck me ragged ... are the no depths to which humanity will not stoop? The Liverpool Echo has been carrying a report about a "'Highly intelligent' drug dealer who hid a Kinder Egg up his bum for a Music Festival". The egg contained a drug called MDMA. The 21-year-old offender reportedly had a bag with two yellow tablets and a further 48 tablets, concealed in the Kinder Egg - which he then put in his anal cavity. I hope he wore Marigold gloves for that! It certainly brings a new meaning to the phrase - Kinder Surprise. How intelligent can you be if you put Class A drugs in a Kinder Egg container and then shove it up your bum? Then you're hoping to sell the contents to idiots at a Music Festival. I suppose the numptys at these Festivals ain't too bright - and think the aroma is part of the attraction. Yeah; this is really good shit man ... yep that's more correct than you know! Woof!

That goldmine of news, The Sun - has been running a story for Panto season. Apparently Pantomime bosses have been slammed by dwarfs for turning to cheaper child actors for their productions of Snow White. Hayden Parker, a judge for the British Panto awards said "'It boils down to the fact that in this cost-cutting age dwarfs are expensive. "Using child actors belittles our profession" he said. So "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves", is now - technically speaking - "Snow White and the Seven Minimum-Wage Child Actors - that are Cast As Dwarves". Panto chiefs in their defence said that there was "no need for the dwarfs to make a big thing out of it". Steve Redford, who runs the Mini Men agency, said he has stopped supplying actors to pantos because of plummeting demand. "Sadly" - he says - "demand for dwarfs is much smaller than it used to be". Could this be down to the fact that the salary for a dwarf, erm, dwarfs

Windows told me I needed a new password. It had to be at least 8 characters long, so I chose 'Snow White And The Seven Dwarves". Woof!

According to reports; two male lions have been seen in a gay sexual encounter in the Kenyan national park. Here's a gratuitous picture of said lions, Roger and Humphrey - boning each other, woof ! Now there have been yet more reports of gay penguins. This time they are named Magic and Sven - and they come from Sydney. Sven has gifted Magic a special 'stone', which the zookeeper explains is - the "equivalent of proposing in the love language of penguins". Really? I mean really? I thought regurgitating old sardines down your throat was a sign of love for a penguin, but what do I know? I can't take any more LGBT bollocks, gay penguins; lesbian iguanas, queer lions or even transsexual chameleons, it's all too much for my doggy sized brain to cope with. Woof!

I've just realized that an icon of American advertising - the famous Uncle Ben - is dead. Do you know what this means? Yep, no more Mr Rice Guy. Woof!

According to OK magazine Kerry Katona's had an ass hole transplant! Have you seen the stop press though? The ass hole's rejected her! Woof. I'm not kidding - are there no depths a celebrity won't plumb to get some oxygen of publicity? Apparently not. She has stunned her Instagram followers by filming herself getting a Brazilian bum lift. #ass hole, #desperate, #hashtag - #sillybitch. The former Atomic Kitten singer has changed her look many times over the years - from being blonde to being purple. I don't want to pick faults here; but I'm pretty sure Prince covered that whole being purple thing to a tee. Oh yeah; he could fuckin' sing as well. Now the mum-of-five - by six different dad's - wants tighter and more perkier buttocks. Here's the before and after shot of her bum; let's see if you can spot the differences. Woof ! Yep - she's left the label showing on her panties n the last shot. Plus it looks like she's had

Fuck me; bloody students! Its been drawn to my attention that those berks at Manchester University have ditched clapping as a sign of appreciation. And what is it being replaced with - I hear you ask? A big thumbs UP or thumbs DOWN like in that film Gladiator perhaps? Fuck me no; that would be vaguely sensible. It's being replaced in favour of "jazz hands". Reps at the University have voted to replace noisy appreciation - i.e clapping - with the British Sign Language equivalent - a soundless wave of both hands. Union officer Sara Khan said traditional clapping can cause issues for students with autism, sensory issues or deafness. I suspect Mizz Khan might have a few issues; I've certainly got an ISSUE myself - what the fucks wrong with clapping? I know students are thick, but how many of the fuckers have never seen anyone clap before? What about blind students; how are they gonna see someone waving at them? I've got an idea for Manchester University. The

It's my uncle's misfortune to spend large parts of the week on the highways and byways of the UK. Nothing irritates him more than so called smart motorway signs. Example: as seen on a journey home recently Matrix sign "A520 closed after the A50." Yeah like right I immediately know where the A520 is. They've got all the letters and numbers to play with, so what's wrong with "slip road closed at Middleton," I tell you - that would fuckin' helpful that's what wrong with it. You're pootling along and a sign says congestion next junction. Congestion, that sounds mildly irritating but not worth turning off for. As soon get past the "Congestion" sign AND the junction where you could have back tracked; what does the next sign tell you. Yep; congestion is now "Longgg delays 4 hours". Fuck me tell me what are they thinking. Bastards.

Spotted dick has long been a source of amusement for diners – but now seems to be so much so that waiters in the Houses of Parliament dare not say the name of the pudding out loud. The Daily Telegraph has learnt that staff working in Strangers’ Dining Room, the 19th-century restaurant used by MPs to entertain guests, have resorted to using the name “Spotted Richard” in order to spare the clientele their blushes. Fuck me it's political correctness gone mad. What next? Spotted Dick = Spotted Richard Brown Sauce = Ethnically-diverse sauce Black Pudding = POBO (Pudding of Black Origin) BLT Sandwich = LGBT Sandwich Stop the world I want to get off - woof.

Fuck me I've been listening to the BBC again - I know I shouldn't cos it's a wind-up every time. Some nonce has just been on saying ready made dog food is BAD - and we doggies need GOOD food that is home-cooked. They then proceeded to test their home cooked recipes on some poor unsuspecting mutts. First off was something that contained Turkey, Quinoa and Kale that had been blow dried. What the fuck is Quinoa? or Keenwah as the bloke pronounced it. Bollocks to that. My doggy needs are simple: - 1. Meat. 2. Gravy. 3. Peas ... I fuckin' love peas. That's it. Of course if I'm out and about in the park I'm not averse to a spot of 'al fresco' dining. I don't mind the odd bit of foraging either; like that bloke Hugh Fearnley Whatsinstore. A choice bit of manure or horse d'oeuvres as I like to call it. Follow that up by some cool, long, grass in a bird crap coulis - it goes down a treat. Of course it might come out a bit runny at

I see Poundland - aka the chav's House of Fraser has gone into administration. A spokesman said it was "due to a difficult High Street and tough market conditions. Poundland also blamed competition from discounters. Fuck me ... who the hell can undercut Poundland? The shop where you can buy a complete set of steak knives plus a BBQ grill for just £1. Is it "50p-world"? Or perhaps it's "get the two p's from the back of the sofa dot co dot uk" who can sell stuff cheaper than Poundland? I know it must be that bloke from Liverpool from a bygone age - "five blades for two bob". We must really be in the shit now - if shops like Poundland, Bargain Booze and Maplins have bit the dust. I blame Brexit. Woof. Either that or it was selling charcoal fucking toothpaste.

Hey - I know what you're thinking. Am I banging on about Donald Trump again with a headline like Beaver Deceiver? Or ... is it just a cheap way to get yet more schoolboy humour onto the Blog? Actually I'm being environment friendly. Flow devices -aka beaver deceivers - are man-made solutions to beaver-related flooding problems. Traditional solutions have involved the trapping and removal of all the beavers in an area. While this is sometimes necessary, it is typically a short-lived solution, as beaver populations have made a remarkable comeback in the United States. I must admit I have been experiencing beaver-related problems myself, and if beaver's have made a remarkable comeback in many areas - then it's news to me ! Woof. I think we're all agreed that more beavers are only to be encouraged. A beaver deceiver isn't something dreamt up by Mr Trump's lawyers - oh no. It's something that allows them to go about their daily beavering activiti

My dad used to recount the tale of a school medical, that took place somewhere between 1970 and 1975. It consisted of stripping down to your undies, running around in the gym, and then coughing - while the doctor examined you. The school nurse was also in attendance. One young lad got a bit over-excited; so the school nurse quickly produced a cold spoon. She then uttered the classic line - "take that away - and go and calm yourself down !". From that day on, the poor lad was forever known as "Cold Spoon Murphy". Woof!

Sheriff Donald J Trump walks into a bar in Laredo, Southern Texas - close to the Mexican border. He spits on the bar, places his gun and holster down - and says - "gimme a shot of red eye". The bartender does as he's told; and then glances down at the gun. It has 7 notches carved into it. "Hey senor- what's with the 7 notches on your gun"? Trump says - "well I shot five Mexican's last week. "So ... that's a notch for each one of 'em". Bartender pausing: "well ... what are the other notches for?" Trump: "well, see... they're bonus notches!". "Adios amigo". Woof!

Hey guess what - as well as hating fucking passwords, me dad hated automated voice systems too. Welcome to the WeDontGiveAShit Insurance helpline, to start off please type in your 16 digit account code followed by the hash key. Panics, finds number on a piece of paper, types 4 9 2 9 4 2 9 1 6 1 0 0 1 6 6 6 slowly. Sorry that account code is not recognised, did you forget the hash key? Please try again. Oh fuck I did that wrong it ends in 10 66 not 16 66, types number in again, followed by the # key. Press 1 for inquiries, 2 for claims, 3 for whatever and 4 for fuck knows. For all other inquiries please hold. Presses 2. Great, Press 1 for a new claim, and 2 for an existing claim. Presses 2 again. Moronic music plays. I'm Bored shit less already. OK, you are 4th in the queue, please hold. Moronic music starts on repeat. Still bored shit less; my patience is running out. OK, now enter your date of birth followed by the hash key. Types 26 03 1961 and then

They're dropping like flies. Farewell Sir Ken Dodd - at the grand old age of 90. He famously had a few accounting issues with HMRC - to which he replied that 'he had invented self assessment' - woof. Then Jim Bowen, followed by Steven Hawking. My Dad once made up a poem about him. There was a man, Dr Steven Hawking. Who sadly had to give up walking. On his mobile scooter. Attached to a computer. Lucky for him, it could do all the talking ! Woof.

I see President Trump's lawyer has wired 130,000 US Dollars to former porn actress Stormy Daniels. Nothing suspicious about that - I mean - who hasn't paid off a porn actress with 130,000 dollars in their time? 130,000 dollars is perfectly reasonable expenses for a light lunch and a can of peas. [Editors note - it's pronounced canapes] which I am sure was what it was. Nothing dodgy, oh No!. In 2005 he was quoted saying, I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. Considering some of the gymnastic activities that Ms Daniels has been involved in; I think a full protection suit might be in order mate. Hey, it's the President, he's losing woof, or should that be wood? This is a code red, Jason Bourne style national security situation - quick, get some Tic Tacs! Note: This isn't Harvey Weinstein I'm talking abo

Bloody hell, am I on the ball - or what? As soon as I type something or I even just think it - then fuck me - it comes true. No sooner had I spotted two gay penguins were having a chick, then fellow chum and diver Tom Daley announced he was having a baby too. Why didn't they adopt a chick from Malawi like Madonna would do? OK I know there are no fucking penguins in Malawi, but you get my point. Then I mentioned Jordan tattooing her minge; and lo and behold she appears in the glossy mags as part of a cheap publicity stunt. Just to top it off I mention my contacts in Russia and it all kicks off over there as well. I can't say too much obviously - but I won't be going to Salisbury any time soon. On the other hand - Knocker boy, do you fancy a day trip? Woof.

Bollocks. My Uncle has only gone a built me an Amazon Echo skill, so you can keep right up to date with my daily doggy capers. Woo hoo - I'm high tech. Just say 'what's my flash briefing' and away we go. Trouble is the bastards have what they call - a certification process. Bloody censorship is what it is, they've blackballed me on the basis of the occasional expletive. If they're so fuckin' family friendly how come I can say - "play me Stormzy" - and it'll happily play back a song full of F-words; or even worse - without a murmur. At least my fucking swear words are bleeped out. As Mr Stormzy is a champion of the underprivileged - I wonder if he'd write a song about the injustice of my situation? To help him on his way, I've sent him some lyrics like them rap fellers Scoopy Dog, or that Dizzie Rascal might write. Walkin' round Jacob Smith's with my bitches. Having a crap on their football pitches. Hey Mr

Bugger me - a few weeks ago I boldly claimed that modern art was shit, metaphorically. Well now I can prove it is - literally. Pay attention 'cos my favourite artiste - Abraham Cruzvillegas - of Mexico has a work that consists of sheep dung. I mean I'm no Picasso myself but Jesus 'H' Christ what the 'eff is it with modern art? He's got a piece from a series called Shit Models that seems to consist of sheep dung. This one looks like a bird table with coat hangers on it. And then some sheep crap stuck on the top. Now, take Michaelangelo for example - he took 5 years - to paint the Sistine Chapel. This guy has just popped down to B&Q; got a bird table, some coat hangers and a bag of sheep dung from the nearest field and filled his boots. Un-believable! Thousands of dollars for that ! Me dad was quite a talented artist - water colours and the like. He was in the wrong business ! Woof !

Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its Bill Withers! Have a lovely day - woof !

In a bold attempt to move with the times I see the National Farmers Union has appointed it's first ever female President - Minette Batters. Good job her first name is MINETTE and not FANNY ! Woof. Minette has founded various farming initiatives - such as ‘Ladies in Beef’ - and the ‘Great British Beef Week’. They both sound like the sort of thing that would catch Boris Johnson's attention. Talking of Boris, I see his ex - Michael Gove - received a warm hand on his entrance to the NFU Conference this week. Amazingly he came up with a half sensible suggestion, which was something to do with making the "inspection regime" for farmers simpler, and less bureaucratic. That's tough for a doggy with a short attention span to wrap his head around, but as long as I can be off the lead, worrying a few sheep - then I'll be as sound as a pound. Apparently it'll be investigated by Dame Glenys Stacey - as part of an extensive and rigorous review. My Uncle says th

Well - fuck me ragged - Channel 5 has just had on - one of the crappiest, low-budget, most banal TV programs it's ever been my misfortune to see. Just when I think TV can't get any worse up pops this pile of shite. It features quote - "Celebrities" - waxing lyrical about their favourite biscuit. I'm sure they did the show for their deep rooted love of digestives and not for the cash - yep right. I was just dozing on the sofa and it was already on. Give it a go I thought; I mean, I love bikkies, so it should have been a winner. Well, there were no fucking dog biscuits on it at all - so that got my dander up for a kick-off. And who are these people on the show? I've never heard of 'em. I've never seen 'em on anything. I genuinely have no idea who they are. I bet not even their Mum's know they're a celebrity. My uncle tells me when he was a lad his favourite biscuit was called - Gypsy Creams. He loved eating them as a treat when visiti

Hey it's Chinese New Year; and 2018 is the Year of The Dog. That gives me the chance to retread one of my Dad's favourite old jokes. Question: How does a Chinaman take his dog out? Answer: carefully, and with oven gloves - woof. Do they really eat dogs in China? I've seen it on telly so it must be true. As they say over there - a dog isn't just for Xmas. If you're lucky they'll be some left over for Boxing Day. Mind you I wouldn't mind if by chance Tommy 'disappeared' into some Dim Sums or a Chop Suey. That would suit me down to the ground, and I could get the place back all to myself. Happy New Year - Woof !

A BIG welcome to Noggski's Doggski's Blogski to all my Russian and Ukrainian friends. My uncle tells me that the Dog's Blog is followed all over the world, from the USA (we used to own that) to Canada (we used to own that too) and of course Australia (ditto). But blow me - turns out that I've got lots of chums in Russia, AND Ukraine too. I'd say I've got more friends in Russia than Donald Trump - allegedly. However unlike old comb-over face; there's cast iron proof of my connections. I might send him a tweet about that. Apologies for the lack of swearing in this post. It's just that now I know the Russians are watching me I have to be careful what I say. NOT that there's been ANY hint of interference or tampering with the blog. However, can I just say how much I love President Putin! If I step out of line or say the wrong thing - I might get taken out. And when I say - "get taken out" - I don't mean for a walk round Jacob Smith&

I've decided to have a style makeover, in keeping with my new found status as the Modern Artiste - aka Poohgle. Here's an exclusive pic from my forthcoming photo shoot for Woof Magazine! Mind you that magazine does my fuckin' nut in, it's full of bollocks.  I'm not even the headline on the front page - where I DESERVE to be. Just look who's ahead of ME.  1. Gemma from Towie - "my private grief at loss of my grandma". If it's private grief, luv, how come it's plastered over pages 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. Plus there's a photo shoot of the wake afterwards.  2. "Kaden dumps Jaden" - hold on I might have got that wrong. Is it "Jaden that's dumped Kaden?". I've never heard of either them, so fuck knows.  3. "Jordan - I've tattooed my quim". Jordan shares her new saucy tattoo with us. It's for my boyfriend(s) eye(s) only she claims. What does it say - it's a curly arrow pointing a

I've got to stop reading BBC news - every time I do, I come away thinking how much more PC bollocks can a terrier take? This week, the Birmingham Repertory Theater has got a new play on for the children at half-term. No wonder me Mum calls it "kiss my arse Birmingham". The play is called Penguins. It's based on the real story of two chinstrap penguins from New York Zoo, called Roy and Silo. No,  I've never heard of chinstrap penguins either, but hey, let's go with it.  They have to incubate an egg, and then raise the chick. Sounds good I hear you say - the kids will f*****n' love that. Two cute little penguins facing the adversity of an arctic winter, all set to music. But hold on - these penguins are BOTH male. According to the theatre, Roy and Silo are GAY penguins, I'm amazed they don't come from San Francisco. L ike any other penguins  they can walk, play, swim and dance together. Happily there's no mention of any of the other activ

Founder of Ikea; the Swedish flat pack furniture company - Ingvar Kamprad - has sadly died aged 91. He was to be buried in one of his company's self-assembly Koffins. However, the funeral arrangements have been delayed until they find some wooden dowels that actually fit; and the missing allen key - woof. Their stuff never really caught me dad's fancy. All those incomprehensible instructions in a leaflet that looked like it had been hand drawn by a mentally subnormal hamster. As we gamely wade through Swedish, German, Dutch, Italian, Spanish, French and Croatian, finally it takes until page fucking 8 before we reach the Queen's English. Even Croatian is ahead of us. He never liked their meatballs either - woof.

I have just read on the BBC web site that there's a Killer Whale that has been taught to speak through it's blowhole. That reminds me of Diane Abbott - she is well known for doing that too. This could be the birth of a new joke. Question: What do Diane Abbott and a Killer Whale have in common ? Answer: They're both big, black, and talk through their blowholes. Apparently the Whale can just about say the number 3. So - that's something else they both have in common. Woof !

Modern art ... I just don't get it. My uncle went to an art gallery last week, I don't want to publicize where exactly; but let's say hypothetically it was the Tate Modern, at the Albert Dock in Liverpool, postcode L 3, 4 B B. What the fuckity fuck is this all about? We've got 2 bits of wood; one a long plank and the other a short post joined together to make the letter Y. So far so good, but then .. and I kid you not ... it had some of the artist's own hair stapled on at the end. WHAT THE ****? It's meant to symbolize the rural Scottish economy or something. But .. it's just two bits of wood with some hair on it, not a fucking Michelangelo. [Fuck me ragged - this is it] It set me thinking that I should reinvent myself ... ergo I am no longer Benny, a Terrier with Tourettes. From now on I wish to be called the Artist Known as Poohgle. The 'enfant terrible' of the art world as one critic called me. I don't want to boast or anything b

My career as a mime artiste has been cut short. Was it something I said ? WOOF

Billie Jean is NOT my Lover ... Billie Jean King: Hey Martina; let's buy two cucumbers. Martina Navrati-lova: Why? Billie Jean King: - Well ..we can always eat one of them - WOOF.

Head of Diversity and Colleague Engagement, Tommy 'Knocks' Knocker has pointed out that after an internal review my post about Baa Baa Black Sheep fails several quality criteria. One. It is casually racist and derogatory to Herdwick sheep. Two. It fails to acknowledge the validity of people who live alternative lifestyles; even when that lifestyle clearly includes deviant sexual practices with sado masochistic overtones. Three. He points out that there is NO evidence whatsoever that blokes who dress up in women's clothing are incapable of identifying and acting upon market trends in the agricultural sector. Four. He reminded me that bisexuality - or being AC/DC as I see it - is not a crime. Five. The overall tone of the article was criticized for having lazy, outdated and stereotypical views on equality. I've read the offending item again and he's fuckin' right. The article missed out Lesbians completely - they never got a mention at all thus infring

My uncle went for a prostate cancer examination a while back. "How BAD can this be he thought to himself?" His mood no doubt cheered by the selection of skittish and girly nurses attending him. One in particular caught his eye, she said she was Thai. "Don't worry Mr Norris it's normal to get an erection during this process" she reassured him. "I haven't got an erection nurse" he replied. "I know she said ... but I have". Woof.

Baa Baa Black sheep have you any wool? Yes I have, but what's my ethnic diversity got to do with it? Actually I'm half Herdwick so technically I'm an Off White sheep. One for The Master ... He's very strict like that Harvey Proctor bloke from Eton. They found him cavorting about in some fishnet tights, with 3 boy scouts and with an orange stuffed up his arse. And One for The Dame ... I say Dame actually she used to be a lad called Simon ! Then he disappeared off to Thailand and came back as Simone. It still looks like a bloke in a dress to me. She's got a cock though - so, you have been warned. And One for the Little Boy who skips down the lane ... Young Tristram is just becoming aware of his bisexuality; and makes a lovely cappuccino. He lives in Nantwich with his pet, a kitten called Mitzi - bless.

I'm delighted to announce that TOMMY KNOCKER has been promoted to head of diversity and colleague engagement at Nogger's Dog's Blog. We're a broad church at Nogger's Dog's Blog - and seeing as the thicko has spent most of 2017 trying to knob me I reckon he's ideally placed to comment on Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender issues. So, no matter if you're a Lesbian, a Rent Boy, or you can't decide if you're Arthur or Martha like THAT Lily Savage bloke. Post away - you'll get a warm hand on your entrance - woof

Doctor: Hello Mr Fawcett what appears to be the problem? Man: Doctor; I'm afraid I can't pronounce my f's or my t's Doctor: Hmmm, well you can't say fairer than that ! Woof woof

He can take it  ... but he can't dish it out - woof