Donald Trump pardons turkey; even after it voted Democrat. WOOF !

Ahh, at last -some good news. North Korea is starting to press gang household pets; to become dog food for their restaurants. Apparently things are so piss poor over there with food shortages; that they're now rounding up local pooches for the country's takeaways. Still; I'm delighted to report that bum-sniffer Tommy is available for immediate delivery. He may be a third rate pooch - but he makes a first rate second course - woof!

My Dad loves a good pun; whereas I just like a bikkie and to roll in some shit. Some poor doggies are having the floppy bits of their ears surgically removed; it's madness. Just to make them look better? Mind you; if someone wants to remove ... ahem ... some of  Tommy's bits and pieces then you won't find me complaining, the twat. Woof!

Hi there; I bet you lot thought I'd had a doggy virus or something. No I haven't - nor has Tommy "worse luck". You'd have thought that with that all bum sniffing he does; that he'd have been a dead cert to get it. Nope the fucker's still here. I've been socially distancing myself from him for months now; although the bastard has no idea what that means - he just bowls onto the sofa without a bye your leave. Twat. The markets have been up and down like a bride's nightie, but at least I learned a new word - CONTANGO. Basically the oil price shit itself a while back; and they were giving the stuff away. Me Uncle tells me at one point oil was selling at MINUS $55 a barrel. Yep they were paying you to take it away. He tried his luck at the local co-op; calmly filling his tank and then sauntering up to the counter and demanded £50 quid from the till. Co-op staff don't seem to understand global oil markets, fuckers. Even worse that guy on

It would have been me Dad's 59th birthday today, God knows what he would have made of the current pile of shite we're all facing. No doubt he would have made some sarky comment about stockpiling toilet rolls. As he once wittily observed you could always use the Daily Mail instead . Just like war  - WAR! ... what is it good for? Nothing, absolutely nothing. NOT unless you count bashing the Labour Party for the last 100 years, and perpetuating the status quo. Mind you using the Mail would have blocked the khazi big style. So, he didn't really think that through - did he? I've got log cabin fever even more than usual now, with fuck all to do but wee on the floor, have a quick dump, dream about pigs ears. I can't even be arsed to swear much. Still; I've been careful keeping my paws to the ground, and putting ... ahem ... a few items aside for when the shit hits the fan. The keen eyed amongst you - which EXCLUDES Thomas Bell of Brigg obviously - will h

I see Mr Stormzy has been in the news this week. What do you get when you are Britain's top selling rap or grime artiste? A date with a blonde leggy model? A threesome date with two blonde leggy models? Guaranteed top billing at Glastonbury for 2020? Sellout UK tour across the mega-domes of Britain? a Damian Hirst stab vest emblazoned with the Union Jack on the front? No Mr Stormzy doesn't want any of that; what he wants is a fuckin' Greggs pastie! Yes the ultimate accolade for any self-respecting Grime artist is a piping hot Greggs vegan bake delivered personally to his star trailer at 4.00 am in the morning by some flunky. Not only will he beating off leggy models in the early hours; he'll be covered in fuckin flaky pastry as well. Their pastry never stays put does it? One bite and it's all over the bleeding place. Anyways, all he has to do now is produce his Black Concierge card and they'll deliver to his front door. Thomas Bell of

That popular TV show, I'm a Celebrity Let's Go to Shag Island is back. Did it ever go away you might ask. Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares? It's got a spin off series - I'm an actorrr and my other half is away in Rep in Birmingham, so let's get to it. What's next ? Celebrity Dentists - a fun packed show where D-grade celebrities make a ham fisted job of a dental hygiene inspection. Celebrity Wallpapering - where D-grade celebrities get stuck at a pasting table whilst trying to hang some flock wallpaper. Celebrity Dole Queue - where ex D-grade celebrities, who have fallen on hard times, have to eek out the week on a giro cheque and a diet of Pot Noodles. Fuck me ragged, stop the world I want to get off.

I see Stephen Fry has tweeted this fond farewell to showbiz legend Nicholas Parsons. Oh no. Nicholas Parsons gone? He ruled Just a Minute, for Just a Lifetime. Oh fuck it - repetition of the word 'just', so over to you Paul Merton. Aaaah, Err ... Oh fuck hesitation, over to you Sandi Toksvig. A stunning achievement: never scripted, always immaculate. From comedian's sidekick to great institution, via Sale of the Century & much more. Unrivalled continuity, professionalism & commitment. Farewell. Oh bollocks, repetition of Farewell. Fuck it, aaagh; repetition of "fuck it" And with just 1 second to go - it's over to you Benny to tell us something new about Nicholas Parsons. Woof !

Guess what? I am in the running to be the new James Bond. OK; it's not official yet, but Mr Broccoli's people have had words with my people ... so watch this space. If we can consider a gay James Bond - ooooh -  or an LGBT James, or even a dwarf, then why not have a border terrier? In these - equal opportunities times - border terriers have been shamefully overlooked by the acting world. If Daniel Craig can't be arsed to do the next one - no problem, I'll step in to do it. All I need is a small signing on fee; and my own Hollywood trailer filled with biscuits. If they want to lay on some hot girl doggies in bikinis; I'm up for that too - if you catch my drift. I've been practicing raising my ... eyebrows. Q branch have already designed the new car. It's not electric, it's paw powered so it'll keep that eco warrior, Greta Thunberg lot, happy. Fuckin' get in, You Only Bark Twice ... Woof Woof ! Double-Oh behave.