Nogger's Dog's Blog

Boxing

2012-03-03T04:00:00.001-08:00

Dereck Chisora goes to the doctors to get a thorough check up before his next fight. A few days later the doctor rings him up and says "Dereck, I'm sorry to have to inform you that you've got sugar diabetes." Dereck replies, "Why, is he any good?" Woof.

Same Old, Same Old

2012-03-02T03:58:00.004-08:00

Asleep on me beanbag in a bit of spring sunshine this am I let go a fart pretty impressive even by my high standards. "Blimey that stinks, what's he been eating?" me Mum asked me Dad. "Well, he scoffed a load of cranberries whilst out on his walk this morning, so it must be that," me Dad replied. "Well waft it away will you, you don't have to let it linger." said me Mum. I almost forgot to congratulate Liverpool on winning the Carling Cup, their first trophy for six years at the weekend. That's a bit like pulling Anne Widdecombe on your first night out after being inside for a six stretch isn't it? Woof.

Davy Jones

2012-03-01T04:40:00.001-08:00

Terribly sad, didn't know anything about it until I saw it on the news last night, then I saw his face, now I a bereaver. Woof...

Feb 29th

2012-02-29T03:34:00.002-08:00

Today is the 29th of Feb....the '366th' day in the year. Your salary is based on 365 days in the year therefore you are all working for nothing today. I on the other hand will spend the day lording it in my bean bag. You muppets. Pooh count: three, one of which I rolled in, just because I fancied it. Me Dad was less than amused to find it all over his hand just before he was about to eat his morning bacon butty mind, but hey, shit happens.

In The News

2012-02-24T07:21:00.003-08:00

Have you heard about this Dutch Prince fella, he was injured in an avalanche last week and is now virtually a vegetable and doctors say may never wake from his coma. A new experience for the Dutch, but one with which we can empathise. We've had Prince Edward for years. Woof...

RIP Frank Carson

2012-02-23T02:50:00.002-08:00

It's a little known fact that Frank Carson actually got into comedy purely by chance. When he was a young man, he was a church bell-ringer in Northern Ireland, but he was so bad at it that every time he rang the bells, everyone immediately burst out laughing. It was the way he tolled them. Pooh count: two, and one of them a cracker that has your name on it Frankie. You can pick it up from Pearly Gates reception on your way in.

The Queen

2012-02-22T04:26:00.003-08:00

On of me Corgi mates tells me that Her Maj phoned the Duke of Edinburgh up on his mobile yesterday and asked him to bring something home for the pancakes. She went mental when he came home with a push-up bra. Pooh count: three. One of which appeared to glow in the dark. I must be eating too many carrots.

George Michael Goes To The Doctors

2012-02-22T04:16:00.002-08:00

Saying that he's got a pain in his bowel. The doctor puts on his rubber gloves and starts probing around. "I can't feel anything," says the doctor. "Ah, aaaaah, a bit deeper!" says George. "No, still nothing," says the doctor. ""Ah, aaaaah, a bit deeper!" says George. "Still nothing," says the doctor. "Ah, oooooh, aaaaah, deeper, I think you've almost got it!" says George. "Just a moment ... yes ... I think I've got something ... it's a Ferrero Rocher ... how did that get in there?" asks the doctor. "No idea," says George "but you keep it, doctor. You've certainly earned it."

It's Pancake Day

2012-02-21T02:55:00.002-08:00

The one day in the year that we aren't ashamed to be called a tosser. Although it's just another day like all the others if you're Ed Milliband. Pooh count: two, one of which did look a bit smug come to think of it. Apparently Ed's press office had 34 dog poohs sent to it through the post in 2011. What I want to know is who sent the other four?

Knock, Knock

2012-02-17T08:18:00.002-08:00

Knock, knock. (No answer). Knock, knock. (No answer). Knock, knock. (No answer). Are you alright in there Miss Houston? A mate of me Dad's who lives near Oxford rang him up the other day and said "My God, Whitney's dead!" Me Dad said "Well, it's a bit quiet everywhere this time of year." Makes you think though doesn't it. Is Bobby Brown kicking himself right now? Woof.

Valentines Day

2012-02-16T05:52:00.002-08:00

Me Dad told me that his ex missus rang him up one Valentines Day moaning that the other two girls in the office had just had flowers delivered to the office courtesy of their loving partners and that they were absolutely gorgeous. "That's probably why they got flowers then," he replied. I don't get this obsession that you lot have with flowers. Flowers are for pissing on, everybody knows that.

Romance Is In The Air

2012-02-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

It's Valentines Day tomorrow. Me Dad, old romantic that he is, has booked the same table for him and me Mum as last year and says he's confident of getting a result. She only potted two reds last year.

Whitter No More

2012-02-12T05:30:00.000-08:00

Poor old "Whittering" Huston has whittered off this mortal coil I am distressed to discover today. The BBC have just reported that her body has been removed from the Beverley Hills hotel where she died to the morgue. That's probably best, if she should have stayed, she would only be in the way. How prophetic does that now look? Pooh count: three, one of which will be polished with due reverence and placed on a little polished mahogany plinth and posted off first thing in the morning. I, for one, will always love her. Unless that single now gets back in the charts, in which case I may suffer a sudden change of heart. Heaven must be a pretty crowded place I reckon, with all the pets that have bitten the dust round here, Steve Jobs, Jimmy Saville and now Whittering littering the place up. They'll be hanging up the "full" sign before long. Don't worry Richard Branston though, you're booked in elsewhere.

Sexism

2012-02-09T04:10:00.000-08:00

Me Dad was telling me the other day about the time he was forced to sit in on a talk about sexism in the workplace. The woman doing the thing rattled on for about 3/4 hour about how and why this unpleasant archaic practice should be eradicated from the workplace in the modern day & age. At the end, she asked if there were any questions from the floor. Quick as a shot me Dad put his hand up and said "yes, will you make us a cup of tea and iron this shirt for me, love?" That's what he told me anyway, it's probably bollocks again like most of the stuff he comes out with. I'm still not entirely convinced that he did actually once come second in a sexy bum competition either. Pooh count: two, the most presentable one of which I'm sending to the FA as I hear that there's a vacancy going and I think it might be in with a shout.

There's Something Wrong With The Queen's Tits

2012-02-07T02:27:00.000-08:00

Watching the news last night I suddenly had one of those epiphany moments. There's something wrong with the Queen's tits. I haven't noticed before, I mean you don't like to stare at the royal jugs do you, but you take a look when she's on the telly tonight. There she was last night with that blue sash thing across her chest, and my eyes were drawn to the royal cleavage, only to be shocked to discover that it was somewhere around waist height. I know a thing or two about a well chewed chest (me Mum had similar trouble) but Her Majesty's melons have, like our nuclear submarines, suddenly gone south big time. Maybe it's got something to do with breast feeding Andrew until he was 46? Or perhaps the randy old DoE has been "over vigorous" with his S&M games in the privacy of the royal bedroom lately. Whatever the reason, the royal funbags have lost their majesty that's for sure. What a shame, and in her jubilee year as well. But she's still our queen and we love her even if she has got a chest like two runny eggs dripping down an ironing board. Happy diamond jubilee to you and your mams ma'am. Woof.

Snow

2012-02-06T02:11:00.000-08:00

Bloody snow, I hate the stuff. It snowed here on Saturday, which meant that my Sunday morning constitutional consisted of me running around Horseshoe Field at Conyngham bollock deep in the wretched white stuff tying to put on a display of pleasure for the two-leggeds. "Ah look at him, he loves snow," they'd say. "Look at him running and jumping around in it." Well you'd run and jump around if your bollocks were dangling in snow wouldn't you? Me poor little paws were frozen solid by the time we got back to the car. Pooh count: two, both of them "steamers" - in fact one of them was giving off so much vapour it reminded me of Drax power station, except a bit smaller and browner obviously. And it probably couldn't have powered 20,000 homes in Pontefract. A small pensioners bungalow maybe. As long as they didn't have all the lights on, and the bath running. They don't have many baths pensioners do they? One a month maybe, so the chances of them having all the lights on and a bath running are about 30/1. They probably need something to tempt them into the water. I know, here's a great idea I've just had. I'm gonna curl out a special log later and leave it outside to freeze. Then with a bit of help from me Dad I reckon we could make a little paddle steamer out of it with the aid of a small pencil, a couple of teaspoons and an elastic band. Our selected pensioner could then play with it in the bath, as long as they didn't stay in the water for too long, they could have a little play and stop themselves reeking of mint imperials and cat wee all at the same time. We could call it the QE Pooh, they're a very patriotic lot in general, pensioners. That'd tempt them into the water I reckon. See up here for thinkin', down there for dancin'.

John Terry

2012-02-02T02:39:00.000-08:00

Has refused to stand down as England captain ahead of Euro 2012. That leaves him free to lead his troops into Poland, just like his hero did. A polished pooh on a plinth is in the post big boy. Did you read that story doing the rounds yesterday that a three year old girl wrote to Sainsbury's suggesting that they should change the name of their "Tiger" bread to "Giraffe" bread as the crust looked more like the latter than the former? And that's exactly what they are doing. Taking a leaf out of her book I've written (and I'm three just like her so I know that they're gonna take it seriously) to Asda suggesting that they rebrand their "colleagues" as "window licking mongs". I'll keep you posted.

Fred Goodwin

2012-02-01T05:19:00.000-08:00

Feel a tiny bit sorry for Fred, so I'm going to send him one of my polished poohs on a plinth to see if that cheers him up. I'm sure that and his millions will ease the blow of losing his knighthood. There are too many Sirs around these days anyway, they dish them out to anybody. There are very few with a Nogger's dog polished pooh on a plinth. In fact I think Richard Branson, British Unfairways and Jonathan Toss are the only others that possess one so you're in exalted company there Freddie boy.

Transfer Deadline Day News

2012-01-31T04:06:00.000-08:00

Today is the day when football fans up and down the country wait anxiously with one ear glued to Talksport. Hoping that they don't sign Andy Carroll. Or the White Emile Heskey as me Dad calls him. Meanwhile in other transfer news Man City have just paid £45 million for a cryogenically frozen stem cell of Pelé. Kenny Dogleash got all excited when he heard that City were interested a Tevez/Carroll swap until he realised that they meant that in exchange for Carroll Liverpool would get the Pannini sticker version of Carlos "the Jackass" Tevez. Alex McLeish has reassured Villa fans that "Heskey is going nowhere" - tell them something they don't already know Alex. And Liverpool are said to be close to a deal to take Adolph Hitler on loan.

Bored, Bored, Bored

2012-01-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

There was precious little going on round here today. Some people were making something in the garden. I don't know what it is because I'm a dog, it involved a lot of sawing, banging and hammering and a few cups of tea changing hands. Up and down the path and in & out of their van they were all day long. So naturally I had to bark at them every time they went past, just so that they knew I was on their case like. There's not much gets past me you know. Stumpy the postman nearly shat himself the other day trying to get that book from Amazon through the letterbox. The kid with learning difficulties over the road DID shit himself the other day when he strayed a bit too close to the end of our drive. And as for the ginger ninja opposite, you don't want to know what he had to scrape out of his pants last week. My house, my rules. It's fifteen minutes to tea time. It better be sausages or there'll be ructions.

Me Dad

2012-01-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

Says that he was in Morrisons today and thought for a moment that he'd seen his ex missus. When this person turned to face him it turned out to be a bloke, not a woman. Me Dad said "Christ, I know this sounds weird mate, but you look just like my ex-missus, except without the beard obviously." The bloke said "but I haven't got a beard." Me Dad said, "No but she has." That's what he told me anyway, it's probably a load of old rubbish, you can't believe a word he says half the time. Still, that's probably due to the shell shock he picked up when he single handedly kicked the Argies out of Port Stanley. He could have been a professional footballer but for that.

Just Another Day

2012-01-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

It started predictably enough with a forage for something to eat round the bird table in the garden. Why she insists on feeding those bastards is beyond me, but she seems to like it for some reason. Then managed to scrounge some toast off me Mum. Then went for a walk and ate loads of grass and rabbit shit, terrier truffles as I call them. Then snoozed in me bean bag. Then barked at random passers-by, some of whom passed-by a little too closely for my liking. Woofed my head off at the little lad over the road, the one with attention deficit disorder, who promptly shat himself. Which amused me, as I thought it might distract him from his regular problem by replacing it with a predicament of an entirely different kind. Which it did. Now looking forward to tea. I do hope it's sausages. Pooh count: only two (not including the one from the lad over the road as that would be cheating). Miliband and Balls I'm calling them. Smug little bastards they are.

A Day In The Life

2012-01-24T02:46:00.000-08:00

The kids are doing my head in with this good kid, bad kid thing. The problem seems to be that they both want to play bad kid most of the time. All they seem to do is moan constantly about how difficult school is. "It's not easy you know, you have to do lessons and everything and you're not even allowed to swear at the f***in teachers any more. Look at this mountain of homework I've got, it's going to take at least 15 minutes to sort my way through that pissing lot. You don't realise how hard it is. Look I've got to write my name there and then I've got to copy the answers that they've already given us onto there. The stress is feckin unbelievable. Oh, by the way, I'm staying at (insert random kids name here) on Friday and then we're going into town and to the pictures and ten pin bowling and then MacDonalds and the cinema and then I'm having my hair straightened/curled/styled at that new salon on town where you get a full head massage and as many cups of tea as you want. See that's how feckin stressed I am, I need to do all that just to unwind myself a little. Have we got any chocolate? You should be glad you're not (insert random kids name here) Mum/Dad he/she has been expelled/is expecting triplets/lives in isolation/shot the teacher today/gave (insert random kids name) a hand shandy in science. Christ if only you knew how hard things are for me. Up to here with stress I am. Can I have some money? What's for tea? Can all my mates come in, all of them, they'll be really quiet. Can they all have tea as well? What do you mean you haven't got fifteen portions on permanent standby. Christ you're useless. No wonder I'm stressed is it? Where's my hat/scarf/coat? What? I haven't done anything. Christ, chill out will you. You're a right stress head."

Masterchef

2012-01-20T02:06:00.000-08:00

We love Masterchef in our house and were watching Wednesday night's episode on catch-up last night. Did you see it? There was this overtly gay Indian guy on there who looked like George Michael after he's fallen asleep on a sunbed for a few days. Exactly why the idea of a gay Indian bloke should be of interest I have no idea. For some reason you just don't expect Indians to be gay do you? And I'm not talking about the guy out of village people, he was a Red Indian, well he probably wasn't actually a Red Indian he was just dressed up as one. In reality he was probably from the Bronx, but I digress. This gay Indian feller seemed to tickle me Dad for some reason. You know what I mean, he didn't actually start tickling him, with me Dad rolling round on the carpet giggling like a schoolgirl. I mean what sort of TV do you think we've got? "What do you call a gay Indian. A Gindian." Exactly why he thinks that's funny I don't know, but he does. Followed by "I bet he takes it up the Ganges." That's what passes for humour in our house. That and me pissing in the kitchen. Pooh count: three. One of which looked exactly like Ed Milliband.

Grand Theft AWTo

2012-01-18T03:38:00.000-08:00

What a great idea for an xBox game. You get to control Anthony Worrall Thompson running round Tesco on a turbo charged trolley nicking stuff whilst being chased by security guards and a very camp Ainsley Harriott who hides behind the end displays in a dress and keeps trying to kiss you. You can chuck tins of beans at the guards to temporarily disable them, or bludgeon Ainsley violently over the head with a frozen chicken until he's dead whilst stuffing bottles of wine and cheese up your cable knit jumper. I think it's a winner that one. Pooh count: just the one, which strangely featured a couple of perfectly formed and totally undigested garden peas on closer inspection. Fascinating stuff I'm sure you will agree, although not as impressive as the one on Staithes beach that contained a green Monopoly house I'll grant you.

He's Been (Again)

2012-01-17T02:02:00.001-08:00

Once more a grim cloud of death hangs over the house as Muffy the guinea pig becomes the latest pet to pop it's clogs in what is looking like an increasingly unlucky household. A couple of days of a cold snap and that was it. She was found frozen to the mesh of her hutch at 7am this morning, like the little match girl she was. Me Mum was devastated. She'd just been out and bought some hay over the weekend. It's a fiver a bag that stuff you know and money, like hay, doesn't grow on trees does it. So now we've got the quandary of how to give her a decent and respectful burial with the ground frozen solid. I mean we can't just put her in the bin can we? The cats round here would have her out in no time. She's too big to go down the toilet, although that could be worth a try, it's swallowed some fairly sizable things in the past that toilet. Simply chucking her over the fence and into next door lacks a certain dignity somewhat I feel. If we were dirty cheating Argies then I guess that we'd consider eating her, but we're not. We could post her to Carlos Tevez I suppose, but he doesn't really deserve it does he? Seems like the only option then is a funeral pyre, me Dad's got a couple of litres of unleaded in a canister in the shed, that should get the party started....

Aston Villa

2012-01-13T04:26:00.000-08:00

Everton play Villa tomorrow, who have just been dealt a terrible blow by the African Nation's Cup - apparently Emile Heskey isn't African. I reckon that he could've been half decent if he'd spent more time training and less time advertising the Premier Inn. Pooh count: just the one, I may DHL it off to Alex McLeish, if they've got a shirt that will fit it I reckon it might get a start tomorrow. I'll let it cool down a bit first obviously, we wouldn't want to start a fire at the sorting office would we?

Irony

2012-01-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

Strange isn't it that Tesco's takings were down over the Christmas period, yet Anthony Worrall Thompson's takings from Tesco were up. Still, fair play to the fella, he didn't hide away but turned up to film an edition of Ready, Steady, Cook at Elstree this afternoon. Ainsley ignored the recent rumpus completely and said "Welcome AWT old mate, what's in your bag for a fiver?" AWT replied "A ten pound sea bass, three lobsters, half a pound of truffles, some saffron and six bottles of Chablis." Allegedly.

Kenny Dogleash

2012-01-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

Walks into the KKKlanfield changing room and discovers to his shock a large steaming turd in the middle of the deck. "Who's shit on the floor?" he demands. Quick as a flash Andy Carroll raises his hand: "Me Boss, but I'm quite good in the air, waye eye," he replies. Talking of which...what a monster I uncurled round Dingley Dell this morning. This rascal was so large it had it's own gravitational pull, I swear. It took so long to deposit it had seven breather rings on it, a bit like Saturn but browner it was. And more sausage shaped obviously, I'm not a freak you know. Nice business.

Ready, Steady, Crook

2012-01-09T04:26:00.000-08:00

TV chef Antony Worrall Thompson has been cautioned by the Rozzers for shoplifting in Tescos I read today. What was he thinking of? Think of all the clubcard points he'd have got if he'd paid for the stuff for a start off. And cheese and wine, what's that all about? If you're gonna nick something you might as well go for a plasma telly and a bottle of Glenfiddich mightn't you? The soft get. Pooh count: just the one, but what a whopper it was. Think Lenny Henry, but funnier obviously and without the stupid suit and you're about there. Last seen checking into the Premier Inn in Harrogate it was. Monster...

Chummy's Newsround

2012-01-06T04:36:00.000-08:00

It's like John Craven's but it's funny and features me. In the news today is a story that says that a new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. Me dad says that chocolates or flowers usually do the trick. Also in the news is that new Margaret Thatcher film 'The Iron Lady' has been classed as a 12A. Does that mean it's unsuitable for miners? And also from BBC news: "Stephen Hawking at 70" - that's fast for a guy in a wheelchair isn't it? Pooh count: six, it was curry for tea last night...

Why Are There No Asprins In The Jungle?

2012-01-05T03:44:00.000-08:00

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in a largely unpopulated rainforest of course...

Gutted

2011-12-31T08:45:00.000-08:00

I'm frankly gutted to discover my name has been omitted from the Queen's New Year's Honours list. Lorraine Kelly and Stuart Hall get a mention so why not me? Not an OBE, a CBE or nothing. I think she's anti-Terrier. That's her off my Christmas Pooh list for next year that's for sure. She reeks of wee you know, and I heard that she has them corgis in bed with her too, the senile old duffer.

Darren Bent

2011-12-29T09:20:00.001-08:00

Liverpool have apparently made enquiries about unsettled Villa striker Darren Bent, I hear. Heskey might be available in the January transfer window King Kenny if you're interested. Luis Suarez says that he's not happy about "one of those" coming up here and "taking our jobs" apparently. Come to think of it Bent has been "unsettled" everywhere he's been hasn't he? He's had more clubs than Tiger Woods that lad. Still, his bank manager isn't complaining and neither is his agent I expect. "Come in Darren lad, ooooh you do look all unsettled. I'll see if I can get you in at Liverpool, but don't bother unpacking your stuff when you get there as there's not a lot of point is there really?"

This Bloke Right

2011-12-28T04:20:00.000-08:00

This bloke down our road got done last week for "interfering" with some sheep. The man confessed to a similar offence with a pig several years ago, but said that he hadn't done it in donkeys. Honest. Would I lie to you????

Luis Suarez

2011-12-22T06:05:00.001-08:00

Luis Suarez has been banned by the FA for one match for being racist. The other seven games in the ban are for being a greasy Kopite spick. Apparently...

My Mate Woody

2011-12-22T05:55:00.000-08:00

My mate Woody always used to chase people on a bike. So they took his bike off him. Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day. So they gave him his bike back 'cos they reckoned that his bark was worse than his bike. Pooh count: just the one, and no sign of that penguin wrapper yet either. Smokin....

Feeling Much Better

2011-12-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

I'm almost back to my old self today. I have to be, otherwise they'll be taking me back to the vets where who knows what that wretched woman would try inserting up my arse next. I've developed a new trick in which I swallow two separate pieces of string and when they come out the other end they're tied together. I shit you knot...

Hewie And Rolf

2011-12-19T02:27:00.000-08:00

Not feeling too bright this morning. Ate half a penguin whilst out on me walk on Saturday morning. The bisqwitty confectionery kind, not the sort that you find in the Antarctic. I mean I wouldn't go for a walk in the Antarctic would I? Not without the right equipment anyway. No, I ate half a penguin and the wrapper, which put me right off me food over the weekend, so much so that me Dad has had me down to the vets this morning. There was an Afghan hound in there with only three legs. Bloody Taliban bastards. Anyway this woman wanted to stick this thing up me arse, a white plasticy thing with numbers on it. I was having none of that caper, what sort of a dog does she think I am? I may have sniffed a few in me time, as you do, just to be sociable like but I certainly don't partake in that sort of Barrymore malarky. So I bit her. Not hard, just enough so she got the message. She got the message all right, she stuck this bloody needle thing in me neck the cheeky mare. So I bit her again, a bit harder this time and now we're both on anti-biotics. Pooh count: nil. I'll have to try and force one out by tomorrow or he's got to take me back. I wonder if she'll be out of hospital by then?

Christmas

2011-12-15T08:12:00.000-08:00

Darren Fletcher and David De Gea are both hoping for same thing this Christmas I gather....clean sheets! Pooh count: three, two little Sarkozys and a mighty Merkel...

Confusion

2011-12-13T04:28:00.000-08:00

There was confusion last night amongst tens of thousands of Man City fans that used to support Chelsea and Arsenal before that who are now not sure if they are supposed to switch back to supporting Chelsea or revert to Arsenal or stick with Man City. Pooh count: two, one of which reminded me of Frank Lampard. So I left it on the bench....

Frogs

2011-12-12T05:09:00.000-08:00

Getting my goat again this morning is Nicolas Sarkozy who continues to jettison his toys from his perambulator with aplomb, now saying that there are now "two Europes". The French dwarf. There'd just be one big Europe called Germany if we'd left it to the frogs, the useless bastards. Pooh count: 26 - all of them lacking moral fibre.

Bloody French

2011-12-09T04:24:00.000-08:00

Quote today from one incensed French diplomat: Britain is acting "like a man who wants to go to a wife-swapping party without taking his own wife." I say the French are acting like a man who says he's going to war with Germany then lets them march into town and do what they want whilst he goes and hides in the bushes. Pooh count: a pleasing brace, Merkel and Sarkozy I've called them, one a sizable effort and the other quite small and wrinkly.

Kepler 22b

2011-12-06T05:01:00.000-08:00

This new planet that they've found which the tabloids are calling "the new earth" - just like Devon and Cornwall it's apparently heavily populated with Man Utd and Liverpool fans. Keplar 22b - me Dad reckons he saw a bus with that on the front of it on his way home from the pub last night. Moron. Why don't they give them exciting names like Kerspangle 99 instead? Pooh count: two, it's so cold out there both of which gave off more steam than Drax. In fact I might post them down there, I reckon there'd still be enough energy left in them to boil a couple of kettles at the very least.

Panda-Monium

2011-12-05T02:40:00.000-08:00

What's all the excitement about? Them pandas that the Chinese have lent to Edinburgh zoo, I reckon they'll be dead by Christmas. Scottish 'keepers are rubbish, it's a well-known fact. It's ironic though that a couple of Chinese pandas can potentially do more for the Scottish economy than a nation of Jocks can do for themselves. Me Dad says he went to Perth once and it was rubbish. He didn't see one kangaroo, a koala or nothing. This Scots fella walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for a steak and kiddly pie. The guy behind the counter laughs and says "you just asked for a steak & kiddly pie." The Jock says "no I diddly." Pooh count: just the one, I might send it up there and they can deep fry it.

Clarkson

2011-12-01T03:29:00.000-08:00

Jeremy Clarkson has been reprimanded for saying that striking public sector workers should be shot in front of their families, I read on the Beeb today. I however agree with him, they wouldn't be whining on about their pensions then would they? And think of all the jobs it would create. Pooh count: three, one for the hospital workers, one for the teachers and a sloppy Joe for air traffic control at Heathrow.

Get Back To Work

2011-11-30T03:43:00.000-08:00

You lazy buggers. Drove past Harrogate Hospital on me way for a walk this morning and they're all hanging around outside there with their placards expecting people to honk their horns in a show of support. Well there wasn't much honking going on I can tell you. I'd have honked all over them given half the chance. Was planning on chucking them a sample of my finest on the way back but couldn't fathom out how to use the electric windows in time. Bugger. Watch out for a suspiciously odourous jiffy bag in the next couple of days Harrogate Hospital. The Grammar School better look out too. I can't curl them out fast enough this week.

It's No Joke

2011-11-29T02:14:00.000-08:00

The M1 was apparently closed in both directions near Sheffield last night after a lorry load of Marmite crashed on the motorway, say the BBC with not a pun in sight. No mention of skid marks on the marmite motorway, or soldiers being sent to clear up the mess or even if it crashed into 25 tonnes of toast heading in the opposite direction. Nothing. This isn't what we pay the licence fee for is it? Not that I pay a licence fee of course, I'm a dog, border terriers are exempt. All I need to do now is find out where the lorry was headed and I can mail them off a few tonnes of my own personal marmite concentrate. It's the same colour but tastes far nicer.

Woof

2011-11-25T02:00:00.000-08:00

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it has an ear infection. The vet cleans the dog's ear and treats it with anti-biotic drops. He then says to the woman "That's fine now, but you are going to need to treat both ears with hair-removal cream every month from now on to prevent the infection recurring." On the way home, she stops off at the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some hair-removal cream. The pharmacist hands over the cream and says "If you are using this under your arms, then avoid using deodorant for 2 days." The woman says "Oh, it's not for under my arms." "Well" says the pharmacist "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for 5 days." "But it's not for my legs either it's for my schnauzer," ," says the woman. "Well in that case," says the pharmacist "Don't ride your bike for a week."

Thanksgiving Day

2011-11-24T03:35:00.001-08:00

So it's Thanksgiving Day in the US today. What's that all about? Just an excuse to have two Christmas dinners in rapid succession if you ask me. An American walks into an English pub and asks for a pint of Budweiser. The barman says "You're American aren't you?" The man says, "Hey, yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or my accent?" The barman says "No - because you're morbidly obese." I heard on the radio the other day, and this is true right so you can Google it if you don't believe me, a school lunches bill going before Congress says that pizza should be counted as one of your five-a-day because it's got tomato paste on it! What will they come up with next? Chasing the American dream is exercise?

Bored, Bored, Bored

2011-11-23T04:45:00.000-08:00

My God I'm bored. Last week we had all the excitement of a new bathroom being fitted with lots of building types in and out all day, dropping bits of bacon butty and feeding me chocolate hobnobs. B&Q are great at installing bathrooms, they're just a bit lax when it comes to taking away all the old shite it seems. So this week there's nothing going on apart from the odd visit from a passing gyppo to enquire if we want that radiator/those taps that are piled up at the bottom of the drive. You've got to bark at every passing gyppo though haven't you, it comes with the job. Some people say that their wedding day was the happiest moment of their lives. They're the ones who haven't seen a gypsy getting knocked down by a truck. Pooh count: not sure, I turned me back for a minute and the gyppo's must have taken them as well.

What Bounces And Makes Kids Cry?

2011-11-21T04:11:00.001-08:00

Me Dad's donation cheque to Children In Need. Terry Wogan's looking rough these days though isn't he? I tell you what, you can certainly tell it's been a mild winter so far. A bit of a cold snap and I reckon he'll be recording his breakfast show with Jimmy Saville. Pooh count: just the one, and what a steamer it was too. It's a good job the leaves are wet or half the park would have gone up in smoke I reckon. Still, it keeps me Dad's hands warm on a bit of a chilly morning, bless.

There Is No Racism In Football

2011-11-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

German FIFA leader Sep Blatter reassures us by saying that there is no racism in football, and IF there was then it could all be sorted with a handshake after the match. Thanks for your comforting input there Sepp. He went on to say that this problem doesn't exist in German football "as we don't allow the blacks in - they have an unfair advantage due to their very wide nostrils" before going on to condemn a Jewish refusal to shake hands at the end of WWII as "unsporting". Sounds a bit like Cockney rhyming slang for something you do when you've got the trots doesn't it "Sepp Blatter" - "I'd stay out of trap three if I was you mate, I've got a terrible dose of the Ertha Kitts and there's Sepp Blatter all over the shop in there."

Freddie Starr Ate My Pig's Anus

2011-11-16T06:37:00.000-08:00

Having famously devoured a hamster a few years ago now, the I'm a Celebrity mob obviously decided to get their own back on behalf of pets all over the world and force their captive has-been talentless "comic" to eat so much rubbish that poor old Freddie has had to be sent home with a gippy tum tum, I read. According to the Beeb the unfunny man was made to eat "mice tails, a pig's anus, cooked camel toe and turkey testicles" amongst other delicacies before coming over all queasy and having to get the next bus out of the jungle and whisked into hospital. "They couldn't find anything wrong with me physically," he says, which suggests to me that your problems are mental Freddie. Still, on a brighter note you've got a nicely coiled terrier pooh on a mahogany plinth to look forward to when you get home me old son, so it's not all bad is it now?

Jim Can't Fix It

2011-11-15T04:16:00.000-08:00

Now then...now then pop pickers, this weeks non-mover is Jimmy Saville. Hows about that then? Come on, I'm only a dog....

Fart In Ma Whitbread

2011-11-14T07:57:00.001-08:00

Not that I follow these things, but I see that Fatima Whitbread is to make an appearance in I'm A Celebrity. Have you seen the state of her these days? I mean she was never a looker, but even so. Like David Dickinson on steroids she is. Single Mum Fatima (yes single Mum, that poses a fairly obvious question doesn't it) says that the hardest part about her personal Rumble in the Jungle will be leaving her son a home. She's obviously never thought that he might be relieved not to have her hanging round the school gates at home time. "Look at Whitbread's Mum over there, the one with the beard, wrestling with that bear." It's always an embarrassment when your Mum looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger after he's fallen into a bucket of creosote isn't it? Pooh count: two, one of which could have passed for Ms Whitbread in a certain light I feel.

Dr Dre My Arse

2011-11-12T02:09:00.000-08:00

Me Mum has been pressing the teenager for a Christmas wish list, amongst which is a set of "Dr Dre cans" whatever the hell they are. Upon asking for a translation it seems that the normally shy and retiring one (if you can get two words out of her we normally put the bunting up for a week) means a set of headphones. So me Mum pops onto the world wide web to see how much these things are and they start at £100 and go upwards from there! I don't know who Dr Dre is, but I strongly suspect that his medical qualifications are somewhat limited. I mean you never hear anyone say: "I think he's having a heart attack, quick, send for Dr Dre" do you? So I've checked him out online and it appears that he's really called Andre Romelle Young who has produced albums for the likes of Snoop Dogg - who it appears isn't a real dog either! "The doctor" has apparently achieved critical acclaim with the unforgettable classics "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang" and "Fuck wit Dre Day (and Everybody's Celebratin')" - the latter I think being a cover version of an old Rolf Harris hit from the 70's. Needless to say the teenager has been informed that her chances of obtaining said "cans" from Santa are somewhat limited as "he has a lot of children to buy presents for you know - including all the ones in Ethiopia and Wales." Neither the plasma telly nor iPhone are likely to put in an appearance on Christmas morning either it seems. That's the problem with the kids of today isn't it? They expect the bloody moon to be gift wrapped and handed to them on a plate in return for "I cleaned me teeth twice last month so what's your problem?". Talking of presents my birthday iPad hasn't shown up yet. It was the 64 gig 3G version I asked for as well. Bloody Amazon.

And I'll Cry If I Want To

2011-11-10T05:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday, but there was to be no "did I really sleep with a six month old Labrador?" morning hangover for me, oh no. My hopes of a night on the lash with me Dad were cruelly dashed on the rocks of despair when he took me Mum out for a bloody Chinese instead. On MY birthday. Can you believe it, because I surely can't. The dirty rotten tight bastards didn't even bring me a doggie bag back, not a spring roll nor kiss my canine arse. Zilch. Two hours in the dark. Just me and a pig's ear, that's all I got for my chuffin' birthday "present" - I use the word in it's loosest form. Well now we all know where we stand, I'll be making sure that they take the hint by leaving them lots of little presents of my own. Starting with the chocolate sausage I secreted round the back of the telly this morning. She NEVER cleans behind there the slovenly cow, so let's see how long it takes them to spot that rascal. I can't wait for me Dad to take his slippers off tonight neither, the fat bastard.

It's My Birthday!

2011-11-09T04:32:00.000-08:00

Yes folks, three years young today is what I am. I can't wait to open all my presents later, I wonder what they've got me? I do hope it's the iPad. Three is what, twenty one in human terms? Me Dad is probably going to take me out for a few pints, we'll go for a curry and end up in that new club in town, Springerfellows. The spaniels in there will do anything for a bit of bonio I hear. I'd better spruce myself up a bit, give the old 'nads a bit of a lick and see if I can do something about me pooh-encrusted collar before I get in amongst those puppies. Woohoo, bring it on, I haven't been this excited since next door's cat got knocked down by the bin lorry.

Dying For A Pooh

2011-11-04T03:06:00.000-07:00

The BBC report that six men locked away in steel tubes for a year-and-a-half to simulate a mission to Mars have emerged from isolation at a Moscow institute. Conjures up all sorts of mental images that doesn't it? Luckily for me however I suffer from no such restrictions and have already curled out my first yule log of the winter this morning combined with a "George Papandreou" lookalike which was very reluctant to leave. Time for a snooze now and rest me bum 'til half an hour after tea. Shabba.

Stupid Idea Of The Day

2011-11-03T01:13:00.000-07:00

Beer in those "handy fridge dispenser" boxes. What's that all about? "Insulate your beer from the cold nastiness of your fridge by placing it inside this handy tight-fitting cardboard box. For best results place your box in the airing cupboard or on top of a radiator. Warning: please ensure that you are wearing steel toe-tipped slippers when opening for the first time." Pooh count: just the one so far which looked a bit like John Terry "sans armband"...

John Terry - A Survey

2011-11-02T05:18:00.000-07:00

Is John Terry a low life racist scumbag? A) Yes B) Very much so or C) Without a shadow of a doubt. He was apparently at the training ground this morning and he dribbled round Kalou, Malouda, Sturridge and Anelka before slamming the ball high into the roof of the net. A despairing Andre Villas-Boas sinks his head into his hands and shouts "How many times is this? I said dribble round the CONES John, the CONES..."

It's Nearly That Time Of Year Again

2011-11-02T05:10:00.000-07:00

A little girl sits on Santa's lap and says "This year I want a Barbie doll, a Nintendo DS Lite, a new teddy bear, a..." And Santa interrupts with "Whooooaaah there, do you mind if I finish this pooh first???"

We Went To The Shops Me Dad And Me

2011-11-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Went to the local paper shop with me Dad this morning and as he was handing over his cash the woman behind the counter said "are you all right love, you look like you're crying?" Me Dad wiped away a little tear from his eye and said "yes, sorry pet, it's just that you look so much like my ex wife." Handing him his change the woman said "ah bless, did she pass away?" And me Dad said "no, but she was a big fat munter like you too." Pooh count: just the two. No Monopoly houses in today's offerings either, although there was a hint of a look of Blackpool Tower about one of them. In fact come to think of it most of my pooh's do look like the Blackpool/Fleetwood area.

Trick Or Treat?

2011-10-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

We had our first one at half past four today, half past bleedin' four. His opening line was a predictable "Trick or Treat, Mister?" Me dad said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf." Me Dad said "But you haven't even got a costume on or anything, you're just in normal clothes." The kid said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

I've Been On My Hols

2011-10-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

For once the two-leggeds didn't book me into Stalag 45 whilst they went away on holiday, they actually took me with them this time. I reckon that the fake cough I put on the last time I came back from kennels must have done the trick. Either that or the fleas. Any road up, I had a bracing week away on the east coast to recharge the old batteries and enjoyed plenty of walks along the beaches of Redcar, Saltburn, Staithes and Sandsend. For some reason the two-leggeds get all excited about fossil-hunting on these walks, with the air frequently punctured by an excited "come and have a look at this one" and such like. Exactly what is so impressive about finding a 70 million year old ammonite is beyond me. It's inedible for one thing, so where's the excitement in that? Still, whilst they are walking along with their heads almost literally in the sand I get plenty off opportunistic truffling opportunities so everybody's happy at the end of the day. Pooh count two, one a perfectly coiled walnut whip and the other a dangleberry that contained a green house from a game of Travel Monopoly! It's true, and it adds a new meaning to the expression shit houses doesn't it? For some it's a derogatory term, but for me it's an instruction.

Nogger's Dog's Newsround

2011-10-21T01:59:00.000-07:00

A bit like John Craven's used to be except this one is presented by a border terrier. Gaddafi was "killed in crossfire" it says on the BBC this morning. I think that they mean someone got cross and fired at him. At last, after years of atrocities and the appalling treatment of millions, it's over. Details are still sketchy, but finally....Westlife ARE splitting up. Police marksmen covering the disturbances at Dale Farm opened fire three times apparently. They won a goldfish, a teddy bear and an inflatable hammer. Black schoolboys are failing at school on purpose as being successful is seen as uncool or even "gay" is another story that grabs my attention on the Beeb. I didn't know Richard Branson was black. Pooh count: just the one, a special steaming (it's cold out there) coiled pyramid with a little Libyan flag on a cocktail stick stuck in the top of it.

Carla Bruni Sprogs

2011-10-20T03:14:00.000-07:00

Now she's got two wrinkly little scroats to look after. Pooh count: just the one, which strangely bore more than a passing resemblance to Mr Sarkozy and would quite possibly be of more use in sorting out the European debt crisis than he is. It's in the post to Angela Merkel right now.

Out For A Walk With Me Dad Last Night

2011-10-19T03:45:00.001-07:00

And we turned the corner into the Market Square and there was this great big drunken coloured gentleman dancing on the roof of a car outside the pub. Making a right mess he was. Suddenly this young copper appears and hisses into his walkie talkie "there's a great big pissed-up darkie dancing on the roof of a car in the Market Square here Sarge." The sergeant chastises: "You can't say that officer, please use proper police terminology." So the copper says "OK, Whisky, Zulu, Tango, Sierra." Honest, I saw it with me own eyes and heard it with my fluffy little ears.

Newsround

2011-10-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

I see that Kev off Corrie has split with his wife of 25 years. I'm not surprised, she's obviously far too old for him at that age. Meanwhile Liam Fox has fallen on his sword, not the only one then eh Adam? Wales coach Warren Gatland said that he considered cheating in Saturday's Rugby World Cup Semi Final but decided against it as "the French are too stupid to have noticed." Tesco are to start employing dwarfs to pack up your grocery shopping at the checkouts for you. "Every little helps." Classy X Factor finalist Frankie Cocozza apparently stunned the live audience at his audition by revealing a tattooed list of girl's names on his bottom. Did anybody look close enough to make sure that they were tattooed on there and not just smeared in brown I ask myself. Talking of which, today's pooh count: five - one of which has your name on it Frankie so get checking the post for jiffy bags sex machine.

Richard Bloody Branson

2011-10-18T02:43:00.000-07:00

I see that Moonbeam has got himself a launchpad in New Mexico from where he plans to operate "Virgin Galactic" which offers the opportunity to have five minutes weightlessness in space for just $200,000 a pop. Me Dad says that he'd happily kick Branson up the arse so hard that he can enjoy as much weightlessness as he wants for free should their paths ever cross. Pooh count: four, and impressive start to the day it has to be said making me certainly less weighty if not exactly weightless myself. Check the post tomorrow Branson.

Walkies

2011-10-17T07:51:00.001-07:00

Was out for a walk with me Dad this morning and upon me answering an urgent call of nature he was confronted by this buffoon screaming "stop him, stop him, your dog's having a crap!" To which me Dad replied "don't worry mate I've got some bags, I'll clean it up." They're so bloody fussy in Waitrose aren't they? Then as we were walking down the main road this bloke comes up to me Dad and says "excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to the hospital?" Me Dad says "just close your eyes and cross the road here mate and you'll be there in about 15 minutes."

Wasp Flaps

2011-10-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

Me Dad was upstairs yesterday when a very large wasp flew into the lounge. Me Mum doesn't like wasps, in fact nobody does do they, they are the Carlos Tevez of the insect world. So she swiftly shuts it in the lounge and yells upstairs for me Dad to come and see this MASSIVE wasp/sort the problem out. "Yeah right, I'll be down in a minute or two he says." Dead casual like. Then the phone starts to ring. Except me Mum isn't going to answer it is she, as that would mean entering the lounge where this buzzing Cesna thing is is. So me Dad realises after five or six ring rings that this is the case, so in a Basil Fawlty type "right, leave it to me, I'll do that as well then shall I, shove a brush up me arse and I'll sweep the floor as I'm running round" sort of moment he comes running down the stairs. Vaults the stair gate (there to stop me going UP the stairs), bangs his knee..ring, ring...takes a stunned 20 seconds or so to open the lounge door (it's NEVER shut cos the handle is a bit stiff), bursts into the lounge...ring, ring...swatting giant killer wasps like Indiana Jones he is...ring, ring..only to pick the phone up a nanosecond after it stops ringing. To which he eloquently releases a string of expletives Gordon Ramsey would have blushed at. Something to do with the dubious nature of the caller's parentage and some other stuff I didn't quite catch, cat flaps or something, only to then hear a faint "er, hello it's Mr Robinson here from the something or other gardening society." It seems that me Dad DID in fact make it to the phone in time after all and this was the elderly secretary of some stuffy old gardening society that me Mum has joined who's just added a few words to his 76 year old vocabulary. I sometimes think that I'm the only sane one in here. Pooh count: three. One of which looked like Carlos Tevez actually, cut off at the neck, with a Stevie G (I do eat a lot of carrots) and a Nicholas Anelka on the bench. Smokin.

Mad Paddy Padster

2011-10-13T04:00:00.000-07:00

My cousin "I'll eat anything" Mad Paddy Padster the deranged cocker spaniel apparently ate all the little fridge magnet letters off the side of the fridge last week. Now he keeps leaving little messages all over the house! Pooh count: two, a very rare three-fingered Kit Kat and a Double Decker....

Foxy

2011-10-12T01:19:00.000-07:00

All this stuff in the news about this politician geezer puts me in mind of that Little Britain show that me Mum and Dad watch. You know the sketch where the bloke, his wife and two kids are at the gates of their country pile in the Home Counties and the politian fella says something along the lines of thsi to the gathered media: "Driving home from Devon last week I took a wrong turning and accidentally found myself at Kings Cross railway station at 3am. In my desperation to use the loo I entered an already occupied cubicle by mistake whereupon I slipped on a carelessly placed bar of soap...." I don't know if I'm allowed to put the rest of it as it includes the words penis and bottom.

McBoffins

2011-10-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

Scientists have apparently unravelled the entire genetic code of the potato, me Mum informs me. Exactly why she thinks I need to be armed with this information I'm not sure. I unravelled the entire genetic code of three cheese muffins carelessly left below waist height yesterday and got a kick up the arse and no tea for me troubles. Hopefully the scientists concerned will pick up more of a reward than that. A McDonald's spokesperson was heard to say "what's that got to do with me?" when given the news. "When they've unravelled the entire genetic code of salt and a chicken McNugget give us a call back," he added.

Dead?

2011-10-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

There's an app for that. As me old Mum (the four-legged one) used to say "Chummy, son, you can have all the money in the world but what use is that if you're dead?" She was mad as a box of frogs mind. Today all my Jobs will be big Apple-scented Jobs as a mark of respect.....

Science

2011-10-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently scientists have discovered that dogs and humans share the same DNA. Me Dad says that would explain why the kids don't like taking a bath and his ex missus was a bitch. Personally I think he's just jealous that he can't lick his own gonads. Pooh count: three, one that you could hang your hat on and a couple of "sloppy Joes" - nice business.....

A True Story

2011-10-03T08:35:00.001-07:00

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously. "That's disgusting!" shouts the girl. "It's the dog," proclaims the guy. "Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly." Honest, that really did happen.

Old Dog, New Tricks

2011-09-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I say that's bollocks. Well when I say "I say that's bollocks" I don't actually physically say it do I as I can't speak, I think it. Last week I learnt to pooh on the lawn not in the flower beds unless I want a kick up the arse from me Mum. This week I learnt how to roll on me back so that me Dad could tickle me tum. Next week I think that they are going to teach me how to get shit off me back. Pooh count: just the two, it's too hot to bother on days like this isn't it ......

Bumfoolery

2011-09-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

Me Dad just told me Mum that he used the expression 'bumfoolery' on Twitter today. She said "you'll have Stephen Fry on your back you will" - I do hope so....

CountryFile

2011-09-26T01:13:00.000-07:00

It's boring now there's no Julia Bradbury isn't it? And as for the aged John Craven, surely he should have been retired years ago along with Michael Aspel and Dennis Norden? Me dad says that he used to rush home from school to watch his newsround on the telly, and seeing as me Dad is bloody ancient then I'm surprised that JC is still going. As for the "John Craven investigates" feature they seem to running very short of ideas, it's only a matter of time before it's "John Craven investigates what's down the back of his settee" if you ask me. I could post him something to investigate I suppose, but they'd need to put that on after the watershed. Here's one for you the BBC: "John Craven investigates why Lenny Henry is about as funny as piles." There's a wealth of material in that one.

Another One Bites The Dust

2011-09-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Gizmo the hamster becomes the latest pet to shuffle off this mortal coil, not that the kids seem that bothered, the heartless buggers. She used to hate the sound of the hoover going round did poor little Giz, so as a compromise we used to let her do the ironing instead. It's just me an Muffy the window cleaning guinea pig now, and I reckon that her hutch will be going to the tip too once the cold weather arrives. Then I'll have to do all the bloody housework myself. Bugger...

Downton Abbey

2011-09-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

Watched it on catch-up last night. Can't make up me mind whether I like it or not. It's all very "yah Mummy, Sebastian's given one this simply divine pearl necklace, does Mummy think it suits one?" To which Mummy replies "Why of course it does dahling. If one plays one's cards correctly one will have his ring on one's finger by the end of the week. What, what, what." It's not quite like real life is it, especially bearing in mind that this thing is set in Yorkshire. I mean you won't catch me saying "pass the fox shit Jeeves one's simply dying for one's luncheon, and make sure it's fresh this time, the last lot you brought upstairs was covered in mould and left me with a severe dose of the Ertha Kitts for nigh on a fortnight."

Ed Balls

2011-09-21T04:02:00.000-07:00

Complete tosser. Discuss. Pooh count: only the two, but both of the especially for you Mr Balls. And your Uncle Joe's minty things are rubbish too.

Happy Birthday Postman Pat

2011-09-16T03:10:00.001-07:00

Postman Pat is thirty today, according to the Guardian. Which I guess means that Jess the cat is thirty too, that's thirty as well, not 32. That's a ripe old Guinness Book of Records age for a cat. Get me Norris MuckSquirter on line two. You don't see them on the telly any more do you? I think still in his prime Pat is on strike over his pension contributions, whilst an aged and feeble Jess has withdrawn from the celebrity limelight and spends most of her day pissing on her owners lap in a retirement bungalow in Brighton. Think of someone like Barbra Cartland gently stroking her incontinent pussy down on the pier. Pooh count: a monster six, yes six, Norris MuckSquirter could have two new records quite literally on his hands by the end of the day.

The Fonz

2011-09-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

I see that the Fonz actor Henry Winkler has been awarded an honorary OBE by the Queen. Happy days. The award is for his work with children with dyslexia. Or Diks as he likes to call them.

MasterChef

2011-09-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

Watching "celebrity" MasterChef with me Dad last night I could scarcely believe my little terrier ears when Greg Wallace said something like "these celebrities have reached the very top of their chosen professions, but can they cope with stress like this?" - or something very similar. One "celebrity" being none other than "actress and model" Linda Lusardi. I think that if my sole claim to fame was having reached the pinnacle of "get your tits out for the lads" society then I'd be keeping quiet about it twenty years on. Throwing a blanket over it/them, so to speak. Unless of course they're referring to her glittering acting career: In 1992 she appeared in the "Dead Ringer" observation round of The Krypton Factor and she also sells a range of skin-care products on shopping television. Bugger me, Helena Bonham Carter must be shitting herself. Talking of which today's pooh count is a feelgood three just on case you're interested. One Twix, a fun-sized Mars Bar and the obligatory Curly Wurly. Nice business that.

Culture Is Wasted On Some People

2011-09-08T08:03:00.001-07:00

Took me Dad to the Monet exhibition at the Tate Britain the other day and we stumbled across the famous Water Lilies. "Typical bloody French," me Dad said. "Lazy bastards - can't be bothered to do anything properly." I was about to explain that the emphasis on the subtle depiction of light in its changing qualities and the attempt to capture 'movement' on canvas with liberal brushstrokes culminated in what's universally accepted the world over as an impressionist masterpiece. But me Dad continued before I could open my mouth: "Only a lazy bloody Frog would let his garden pond get into that state."

Overheard In The Street

2011-09-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

Me Dad was putting me in the back of the car today to take me out for my morning constitutional and the little dyslexic ginger kid from over the road was badgering his Mum. "Mummy, Mummy, can we go for a McDonalds after school? Please." So his Mum said "I tell you what, if you can spell McDonalds son then we'll go, how's that?" So he thought for a minute and said "Nah, bollocks to it, lets go for a KCF instead." Honest. Are you calling me a lira?

Huey And Rolf

2011-09-08T02:07:00.001-07:00

Nice walkies yesterday down that lane where all the rabbits are. Managed to get a shed load of "terrier truffles" down my neck mixed with copious mouthfuls of grass before rounding off my al fresco full English with a large helping of Poodle pooh. Scrum-diddly. Strangely started to feel a tad queasy mid-afternoon so decided to eject my morning repast in order to make room for tea. Me Dad appeared less than amused, despite the fact that I helpfully took myself off into the hall to have a quiet word with Rolf, as I recalled his acute displeasure the last time I had a conversation with Huey in the lounge. You just can't please some people can you?

Snowdon

2011-09-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

Me dad says that the most surprising thing about that bloke who drove his Frontera up Snowdon was that the wretched thing had the ability to get anywhere near the top. He says that the one and only time he had a Frontera he was lucky if it could make it round the block without conking out. The guy says that the reason for doing it was that it topped his "fifty things to do before you die" list. The sad bastard. Wonder what else was on there? Cycle to the shops for a paper?

Google

2011-09-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

The google.co.uk homepage today, celebrating what would have been Freddie Mercury's 65th birthday, is being called "genius" and "a work of inspired art" on Twitter. I look forward to what they come up with in four years time then.....

Shit Weekend

2011-09-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

Got left "home alone" for four hours on Saturday whilst me Mum & Dad sloped off to the pub to celebrate the end of the school holidays. Six o'clock it was when I got me tea. Six o'stinking clock. Then forced to walk all the way into town on Sunday morning to pick up the car. Even a game of "itchy and scratchy" and "zig zag" en-route failed to lift my spirits. Then to cap the whole sorry episode was made to wait until six o'clock again for me tea on Sunday as they seem to have come up with the crazy notion that I shouldn't be entitled to two teas any more, the tight bastards. My own tea first, followed by a large helping of whatever they're having. If we had a cat I'd kick it. On second thoughts though I might be better off eating it. Kit-e-mince. Yum yum. Pooh count: just the one, I'm running on empty as they say.

Bottom Fettling?

2011-09-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

The leaked memoirs of a "big cheese" at a large northern compound feed manufacturer threaten to blow the lid off the industry, I can exclusively reveal. Speaking to Nogger's Dog's Blog on strict condition of anonymity the man, who I can only refer to as Brown Nose for legal reasons, confessed that competition for a feed order was now so intense in his part of the country that reps are being forced to "stoop to all sorts of depravity" to get an order. "Even bottom fettling?" I asked. "That's just the shameful tip of it," he replied. "One large dairy farmer nearby will only give us his order if the rep lets him ride him into town on all fours stripped naked whilst the farmer plays that tune from the film Deliverance on his banjo," he revealed. "And if our guy won't do it then the next chap up the drive will," he sobbed.

Bloody Kids

2011-08-31T08:08:00.001-07:00

They're really doing my head in now. Every thirty seconds there's a knock at the door. "Is George in?" It must be doing me Mum and Dad's head in even more than mine as they're the poor sods who are up and down like an up and down thing to answer the bleedin' door. And it's not just that, the knock is preceded by the trundle of those wretched scooters that all the 8-12 year olds in the neighbourhood seem to think are ever so cooool even though they in fact make the "scootee" look as camp as a row of tents. Christ they will look back in abject horror that they ever trailed round in one of those "gay bicycles" a few years from now. I strongly urge all parents right now to make sure that they get a picture of their offspring on their scooter for future posterity. "Yes, of course we'd like to meet your new girlfriend, bring her in whilst I upload those picture of you on your gay scooter onto the 56 inch plasma telly....."

Refuse To Re-Use And Send To Refuse

2011-08-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

Charity. They say it begins at home, it seems like it ends at home as well. I was shocked to see how difficult it was for me Dad to give stuff away today. The sullen teenager with the electrical thing glued to her hand, what's her name, I don't know she never talks to me. Mind you she never talks to anyone. Apart from the little fella, although I'm not sure that's officially you'd call talking. Colourful shouting more like. Anyway she's getting her room done up, new bed, redecoration, the lot. What she has done exactly to warrant such lavishness is however beyond me. I think she stopped swearing for a few hours last week. Mind you that was when she was on a sleepover round the corner so it probably doesn't count. There were reports circulating last week that she was considering having a bath, but they came to nothing. Anyroad up, so there's a load of books, DVD's etc and a few clothes looking for a new home so we pop down to the local "recycling area" in town only to be accosted by some bloke who I swear appeared from up out the ground like one of those skeletons in Jason & The Argonauts: "what have you got in there?" he enquires. "Erm, books, DVD's children's clothes, shoes, it's all good stuff," says me Dad. "Well you can't put that in there, that's fly tipping that is, you'll have to take it to the tip," says Unhelpful Johnny Jobsworth. "And who are you?" enquires me Mum. "I'm the bloke responsible for keeping this area tidy," he says proudly. Well you're not making a very good job of it are you you scruffy get, I think to myself. Followed by, I bet that looks impressive on the old CV. He's about 50 this bloke. Obviously studied and worked hard all his life to finally struggle into the impressive position of authority in which he now finds himself. I mean he's looking at them as if they are pissed up on their way home from the pub and stuffing half-eaten kebabs and pizza boxes in there. Then he starts to make a note of our car registration number! Looks like we have our first contender for turd of the week then. Pooh count one and a half (don't ask).

Big Jobs

2011-08-25T00:42:00.000-07:00

Apple co-founder and CEO Steve "Big" Jobs has resigned I see. Co-incidentally on the same day that a European court bans the sale of the Samsung Galaxy S, Galaxy S II and Galaxy Ace mobile phones in some countries for being "too Appley". Me Dad swears by the Samsung products, but he's a fat bastard that doesn't know what he's on about. I'll keep my eyes peeled for some white pooh next time we go for a walk in the woods, polish it up, and send it off to Mr Jobs as a token of my affection. An iPooh if you will. To be closely followed by the Samsung Galaxy Plop, it's a bit like the iPooh except it's got USB connectivity and runs Flash.

He's Back! I'm Free!

2011-08-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

Me Dad is back! He paid the ransom note and I'm back home with the two-leggeds. From what I can tell they had a good time and thought that Portugal was great. Until they got to the airport to find that in the food hall at Faro they were asking 14 euros for a cheeseburger! The robbing bastards. You can see why their economy is in trouble at those rates can't you? Needless to say there wasn't much of a queue. For that price I'd want it cooked at Gidleigh Park by that geezer with the funny arm, whatsisname? You know the one off the telly who looks like an overweight David Craig. I think he starred in The Italian Job and Get Carter. Or am I getting mixed up. If it was him then he must have had a "reverse Michael Jackson" colour change since, but I'm sure it's the same bloke. And he doesn't do the funny voice any more. "My name is Michael Caines" he gave that up years ago. Well I'd want him to be doing the flipping, lightly toasting me bun and arranging my gherkin at a jaunty angle for that sort of money. Probably with one of them big cocktail sticks stuck through the top of it and a stack of home-made onion rings on the side. That's what I'd expect for 14 euros, not some spotty Portuguese oik wiping his nose on the back of his hand and wrapping me burger up in Izal. Christ, what's the world coming to eh?

Getting Worried Now

2011-08-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

Stuck here in bleedin Stalag 45 whilst the two-leggeds get their puffy white skin burnt to a crisp. Harris in number four smuggled in an iPad which he's lent me for half an hour to type this missive. I've scratched the number of days I've been in here on the wall of my cell and it's now up to nine. I'm sure that the most they've ever left me in here for is seven or eight. The bastards. Freddie in number six says that he got left here for fourteen days last year by his inconsiderate bastards. I'm going to shit all over the kitchen when they finally do turn up. The tight bastards.