Student Denies Cooking Live Hamster

Not a headline you see every day, but a real headline nevertheless, and one from the Independent no less. As soon as you see the word "student" you immediately think "guilty" don't you? I do any way. In fact I think of a scruffy, and guilty, unwashed long-haired dirty lazy "the world owes me a living" tramp. The cupboard is bare, I'm skint but starving. I know! I'll cook the hamster. That will fill me up, and immediately make me seem whacky and thus render me incredibly popular with the ladies, who strangely currently appear to think that I'm a total wanker. Two birds, one stone. Fucking Einstein me. I might even have a bath tonight and put on my lucky Bart the Fart Simpson pants and pop down to the Uni bar for a half of cider. We aren't informed how said oik decided to cook said rodent. KFC style is where my money is going. I mean he won't have gently poached it in a bain marie of warm milk with basil and chives will he? As in the classical French way. He'll have probably just dusted it in unseasoned flour, the wanker, maybe chucked a bit of half-beaten egg at it, rolled it in bread crumbs and lobbed it into the deep fat fryer whilst preparing a few chips, the lazy fucking get. I'm intrigued to read that the hearing was adjourned after a post-mortem examination threw up "findings (that) conflicted with evidence from another expert." Fuck me, how many experts do we have in this particular field? I'd have thought this was probably about as specialist as you can get, but it would seem not. "Harry, I've got York Magistrates' Court on line three. They're looking for an expert on hamster autopsies. What, you're fully booked up until November? I'm sorry, our hamster autopsy specialist is fully booked up until November. Yes, it's that time of year you see, once the kids go back to school things just go mental. I could put you onto Brian, he's very good, he specialises in manic depressive wombat suicides, I think he's got a window next Thursday afternoon...."