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Fiona Fucking Bruce

What a fucking smug little pain in the arse she is, eh? I HATE it when they let her read the news, she's always wearing this irritating, barely concealed little smirk have you noticed? "59 people, including women and children, have been killed in a chemical weapons attack in Syria (Thinks: I'm alright in Hertfordshire though, that's the main thing. We really must get that man in to drain the moat this weekend. Smirk). The Kenyan hostage crisis enters day three (doesn't my new jacket look ace? Smirk). Taliban behead 12-year old schoolgirl (I'm going shopping later, I really need some new shoes. Smirk)....etc, etc. Me Dad has discovered that a great way to wind me Mum up is to pretend that he fancies her. "I hate that Fiona Bruce, what does she think she looks like?" To which he'll reply, incredulous, "What? I think she looks quite foxy in that collar-less tweed jacket, you should get a jacket like that. You could do worse than pick up a few sartorial tips from Fiona, you know. And her hair always looks nice. Modern totty, that's what she is..." And did you see the Antiques Roadshow on Sunday? With that outrageous chutney ferret in the bright blue blazer? Lordy, lordy. Who's he? He made Graham Norton look like Mike Tyson he did. Still, at least Downton is back on. I love Sunday night's me. Cuntyfile, Antiques Jizzy Roadshow, Downton and MOTD2 in front of the fire, what more could a Border Terrier wish for? Apart from a key to the fucking back door that is.

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Fucking Passwords

Create a password..... cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.... boiled cabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, that password is already in use! See  Fucking phone calls too
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My Mate Frank

Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...
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Snow

Bloody snow, I hate the stuff. It snowed here on Saturday, which meant that my Sunday morning constitutional consisted of me running around Horseshoe Field at Conyngham bollock deep in the wretched white stuff tying to put on a display of pleasure for the two-leggeds. "Ah look at him, he loves snow," they'd say. "Look at him running and jumping around in it." Well you'd run and jump around if your bollocks were dangling in snow wouldn't you? Me poor little paws were frozen solid by the time we got back to the car. Pooh count: two, both of them "steamers" - in fact one of them was giving off so much vapour it reminded me of Drax power station, except a bit smaller and browner obviously. And it probably couldn't have powered 20,000 homes in Pontefract. A small pensioners bungalow maybe. As long as they didn't have all the lights on, and the bath running. They don't have many baths pensioners do they? One a month maybe, so the chances ...
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