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The TellyBox

Watching the news on the Tellybox thing last night, they rounded off this story with "we won't know that until the police have launched a full investigation into the matter" comment from a serious looking reporter. Which made me wonder do they ever say "the police are only doing a partial investigation into this one, to save costs and as they already know who's guilty anyway as some gyppo's live just around the corner from here." Which also reminds me of the BT advert. "And for that, you get our most reliable broadband service ever." Which suggests it should be followed by "unlike those other poor twats who've already signed up. Mugs. We can palm them off with any old shite." And why is it three quid to sponsor anyone, anywhere to do anything? She's all alone in the mountains, hunted for her fur, but 3 quid will buy a snow leopard a detached house and an Instamatic camera which she can use to send you some pics of her and her cubs, Dwayne and Tonya." And I'm not surprised there's no water in some of these places the way they keep wasting it. As soon as they get a three quid standpipe they leave it on all day for the kids to play in. As Ricky Gervais famously once said, it little Moli has to walk 10 miles a day to get water, then why don't her and her family simply move closer to where the water is? Or use their three quid to buy an Oyster Card?

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Fucking Passwords

Create a password..... cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.... boiled cabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, that password is already in use! See  Fucking phone calls too

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Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...

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Bloody snow, I hate the stuff. It snowed here on Saturday, which meant that my Sunday morning constitutional consisted of me running around Horseshoe Field at Conyngham bollock deep in the wretched white stuff tying to put on a display of pleasure for the two-leggeds. "Ah look at him, he loves snow," they'd say. "Look at him running and jumping around in it." Well you'd run and jump around if your bollocks were dangling in snow wouldn't you? Me poor little paws were frozen solid by the time we got back to the car. Pooh count: two, both of them "steamers" - in fact one of them was giving off so much vapour it reminded me of Drax power station, except a bit smaller and browner obviously. And it probably couldn't have powered 20,000 homes in Pontefract. A small pensioners bungalow maybe. As long as they didn't have all the lights on, and the bath running. They don't have many baths pensioners do they? One a month maybe, so the chances ...