Langkau ke kandungan utama

Hallowe'en

I fucking love it. An endless procession of kids knocking at the door sets young Tommy Knocker off a treat. Barking, snarling, hurling himself at the door like a demented banshee, the little kids the other side are shitting themselves. "Fuck me, no 74 have spent some money on special effects," they must be thinking, but this is no special effect, oh no, this is Tommy Knocker. He's for real all right. "Trick or treat, Mister," the oldest and bravest one whispers through the letterbox. Crash, bang, snarl, woof, woof, woof. "Do I sound like an American?" says me Dad. "Does this street look like America?" he goes on pressing home his point. "erm, no, not really," comes the timid reply. Crash, bang, snarl, woof, woof, woof. "Well fuck off then." "Come on Mister, it's only a bit of fun," he presses on. (The little ones have already shat themselves and gone by now). "OK, hang on, I haven't got any sweets, but I can give you a biscuit, is that OK?" "Yeah, I suppose." A minute later me Dad shoves a scone through the letterbox. At this Knocker goes completely berserk, thrashing around, crashing at the door, trying to eat bits of scone that have become encrusted around the letterbox (have you ever tries "posting" a scone through a letterbox, it isn't easy I can tell you). His tongue licking through the letterbox so it comes out the other side must have been a treat indeed for the youngster. Crash, bang, snarl, woof, woof, woof.. "That's not a biscuit, it's a scone. "It's a fucking biscuit in America son, now FUCK OFF! I don't think I can hold back the beast of Hades much longer...crash, bang, snarl, woof, woof, woof." I love it round here. Wait until you hear about what he's like with fireworks!

Catatan popular daripada blog ini

Fucking Passwords

Create a password..... cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.... boiled cabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediatelyYouTwats Sorry, that password is already in use! See  Fucking phone calls too
Baca lagi

My Mate Frank

Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...
Baca lagi

Snow

Bloody snow, I hate the stuff. It snowed here on Saturday, which meant that my Sunday morning constitutional consisted of me running around Horseshoe Field at Conyngham bollock deep in the wretched white stuff tying to put on a display of pleasure for the two-leggeds. "Ah look at him, he loves snow," they'd say. "Look at him running and jumping around in it." Well you'd run and jump around if your bollocks were dangling in snow wouldn't you? Me poor little paws were frozen solid by the time we got back to the car. Pooh count: two, both of them "steamers" - in fact one of them was giving off so much vapour it reminded me of Drax power station, except a bit smaller and browner obviously. And it probably couldn't have powered 20,000 homes in Pontefract. A small pensioners bungalow maybe. As long as they didn't have all the lights on, and the bath running. They don't have many baths pensioners do they? One a month maybe, so the chances ...
Baca lagi