I thought I'd rewrite a few of my own nursery rhymes following the news that kids in school will now be taught to recite Baa, baa, white sheep. How about Wee Willie Winkie ran through the town, upstairs downstairs in his nightgown. He's now being held against his will in the secure unit of a local looney bin under section 24 of the Mental Health Act 1962. Or, little Abdul Horner, sat in the corner, eating a halal pie, he put in his thumb and pulled out a gun, and said...well we don't know what he said actually as he's only lived here for 15 years and doesn't speak a word of the Queen's. Baa, baa white sheep have you any wool? No sir, no sir, at least none that's been ethically sourced in this country. I can do you some nice Peruvian stuff flown in by jumbo jet from the foothills of the Andes this very morning for maximum freshness. Right, I'll have three bags of that then. One for the Master, acquitted of having sex with young boys in 1974, but found gui...

Well, it's not often that I'm rendered almost speechless, but the Septics have really gone and done it this time. What the fuck were they thinking? Watching him deliver his victory speech on the telly last night I was drawn to what I assume was his son in the background, a lad of about 14. He sports a similar "comb over" look to his Dad. The look on his face was a picture. A combination of totally not wanting to be there with one of  attempting manfully to hold in a very determined pooh. Did you notice it? His Dad is spouting off about everybody pulling together and the lad is thinking "if you don't get a move on here Pater then my sphincter is going to explode on national TV in front of the entire watching world". I'd have liked to have seen that. And another thing this "Trump pence" that was everywhere, what was that about? Is that the amount he pays for his annual charm school subscription? Or the contents of his hairdresser's tips j...