Blow me - oops bad choice of words. I see our French cousins are getting hot under the collar about the diurnal activities of Maurice the famous cock .. eral. Maurice has been proudly crowing at 6.30 am for years but now his toffee-nosed neighbors - or 'voisons au nez caramel' as they say in France - are up in arms. Maurice has been taken to court for disturbing the peace. In 1995, faced with a similar case that led to a death notice being served on a cockerel, a French appeal court declared it was impossible to stop a rooster crowing. “The chicken is a harmless animal so stupid that nobody has succeeded in training it, not even the Chinese circus,” that judgment said. Sounds like Maurice is safe for now - ooh la la et Woof ! Solidarity Maurice.

A while back I said that Political Correctness has gone mad. Half jokingly I suggested that a BLT sandwich would be reinvented as an LGBT sandwich. See this link from last year. Well fuck me Marks & Spencer have only gone and made an LGBT sandwich. Why is it LGBT? Well it's got two fruits in it for a kick off. Yes every sane person agrees that a tomato is a fruit, as is the Avocado (Guacamole). They're not vegetables are they? Mind you the tomato has gone on record as saying that it identifies as being non-binary. Why stereotype me as fruit, I can be what I want to be. I'm what Miley Cyrus likes to call 'gender fluid'. Talking of fluid did you see her cavorting performance at Glastonbury; it made my fur go all funny. Anyway she's a lesbo, so she'd be up for a LGBT sandwich of sorts - if you get my drift. Winks. If the tomato and guacamole decide they want to be vegetables after all; add in the bacon and we've got meat and two veg. Perfect...

The England Women's Football team have proven beyond doubt that they are equal with the Men's team. First off they bottled their performance in a World Cup semi-final. And to add icing to the cake Steph Houghton took a piss poor penalty very reminiscent of Chris Waddle, Gareth Southgate and company. I said it would end in tears and runny mascara, and it did. Woof !

Fuck me; I've just read that a guy in the US of A - where else - has got a travelling companion. A duck named Daniel. And get this the duck's allowed to go on holidays with his owner; he even gets his own seat on the fuckin' plane. How about that? He gets away with it cos he ain't just any old pet - he's an emotional support duck. Take note Mum the next time you're thinking of heading off leaving me in the kennels. I can come with you instead - free of charge. Just tell them I'm an emotional support terrier with tourettes and I provide TLC. Oh and don't forget you'd be a nervous wreck without me - these things are too big to fly! If you don't believe me watch this video. I love the fact the duck's called Daniel. Cue for a song. Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane. I can see the red tail lights, heading for Spain. Oh and I can see Daniel flapping (waving) goodbye. God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes No it...