Bollocks. My Uncle has only gone a built me an Amazon Echo skill, so you can keep right up to date with my daily doggy capers. Woo hoo - I'm high tech. Just say 'what's my flash briefing' and away we go. Trouble is the bastards have what they call - a certification process. Bloody censorship is what it is, they've blackballed me on the basis of the occasional expletive. If they're so fuckin' family friendly how come I can say - "play me Stormzy" - and it'll happily play back a song full of F-words; or even worse - without a murmur. At least my fucking swear words are bleeped out. As Mr Stormzy is a champion of the underprivileged - I wonder if he'd write a song about the injustice of my situation? To help him on his way, I've sent him some lyrics like them rap fellers Scoopy Dog, or that Dizzie Rascal might write. Walkin' round Jacob Smith's with my bitches. Having a crap on their football pitches. Hey Mr ...

Bugger me - a few weeks ago I boldly claimed that modern art was shit, metaphorically. Well now I can prove it is - literally. Pay attention 'cos my favourite artiste - Abraham Cruzvillegas - of Mexico has a work that consists of sheep dung. I mean I'm no Picasso myself but Jesus 'H' Christ what the 'eff is it with modern art? He's got a piece from a series called Shit Models that seems to consist of sheep dung. This one looks like a bird table with coat hangers on it. And then some sheep crap stuck on the top. Now, take Michaelangelo for example - he took 5 years - to paint the Sistine Chapel. This guy has just popped down to B&Q; got a bird table, some coat hangers and a bag of sheep dung from the nearest field and filled his boots. Un-believable! Thousands of dollars for that ! Me dad was quite a talented artist - water colours and the like. He was in the wrong business ! Woof !