It's A level results day. Another chance for the great British unwashed to pretend to be American. "I'm like sooo like over the moon, I got like seventeen A stars and I didn't like even bother to do any revision," shrieked Levine La Flurve, 18, of Stoke Newington. "Now I either want to be a doctor or a pole dancer," she squealed. "But first my friends, who all also got seventeen A stars each too, and I are going to hire a stretch limo and drive round town in it with the windows down, playing loud music, drinking blue WKD until it comes out of our ears and vomiting on passers-by. Passing A levels is like soooo hard. Look there's my other friends Tamara, Mmmm Danone and Betws-y-Coed. What did you guys get? Seventeen A stars too? Wow that's the same as me, Tarquin, Ptarmigan and Champs Elysees! Wooohoooo. Daddy's going to buy me another horse when he hears about this...." Fast forward two years "A quarterpounder meal with Fanta, w...

Virgin have lost the West Coast Mainline franchise I see, which should free up some time for Branson to concentrate on providing an even shittier, slower and more intermittent than normal Virgin Media broadband service. In between a few balloon rides and the odd bit of space travel no doubt. If poor old Dicky Boy is at a loss as to what to do with all the surplus trains that he now finds he's got on his hands then maybe he'd like to run them up and down the lines at night carrying the sacks of letters of complaint addressed to him that are mounting up at the post office main sorting office? The hippy wanker. Apparently he was so upset at the news that he decided to go out and drown his sorrows last night. So he walks into the first pub he finds and says "hey barman, I'd like a pint of snake bite, three blue WKD's and a double whiskey chaser please." The barman says "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid that can't serve you." Branson replies "wh...