Me Dad popped into the Deli in town today for a bit of shopping, leaving me tied up outside for hygiene reasons he said. Hygiene my arse, there's nothing wrong with my hygiene, I lick it clean every day whether it needs it or not. Anyway when he came back out he was shaking like a shitting dog. He'd just bought four slices of cooked beef, and was charged £10.70 for the privilege! Sweet Baby Jesus. He followed it up with a request for two slices of turkey, he probably would have asked for four but he only had fifty quid on him. Two slices of turkey set him back a further £5.70! Fuck me rigid, the turkey was even dearer than the bastard beef. "Erm, I only wanted to buy two slices of turkey, not fly to the place business class" came me Dad's witty retort. I think that must have gone over the girl's head. "I can put one back if you like?" she replied. "Put one back and I'll only have fucking one, not two won't I? And I want two. Drop yer bas

Has won his libel case against the Daily Mirror for labelling him a "racist comedian" and given his 'winnings' to charity I hear. Well done Frankie boy. How could a ginger Jock be racist? Talking of winnings, me Dad took me into the bookies on Saturday, it was the first time I've ever been in there and found it fascinating. He'd decided that he wanted to have a bet. So he did: Is Steven Gerrard a twat? Yes. And that Frankel thing in a win double. The bloke behind the counter said: "that's a bit risky mate." "Why?" asked me Dad, "don't you think Steven Gerrard is a twat?" The bloke said "well yes, obviously, but Frankel's never run on ground this soft before you know." Woof. He's off to Ireland tomorrow, me Dad not Frankel, so I'm hoping that he'll bring me some sausages back. Irish sausages are supposed to be very good I hear, although I'd settle for a bag of pork scratchings if they do them o