Day 2. Fucking knackered I am, and not even got past the utility room wall yet. Then there's the fucking path to excavate under, then the pissing garden wall, then the bastard shed. It was all right for those twats on the telly, there was loads of them. This is just me on me Jack Jones. Me paws are fucking red raw they are. I might just have half an hour in the sun on me bean bag in the lounge, if I can make it that far, I'm feeling quite dizzy actually. Stop laughing and get to fuck, I'm dying here. I can't even be arsed to bark at the ginger kid over the road, that's how cream crackered I am. Where's me Prozac...

Ever wondered why they say "it's a dog's life" or "I wouldn't treat a dog like that" or "I wouldn't give that to the dog"?? It's because a being a dog is fucking shit that's why. Ripped me favourite soft toy - a bag of Chase N Onion Walkies Crisps, - to shreds last night in a silent protest. Did anybody notice? Did they shit. I could ride round that living room on a fucking unicycle juggling fucking knives and nobody would notice. Still, I've made a start on the tunnel. It's in the utility room underneath me basket. They'll never think of looking there, the lazy gets. The lino was a bit of a bastard to rip up. Then I had to eat the fucking stuff. Why are you looking at me like that? What else was I supposed to do with it? Stick it down me trousers and casually flick it away whilst on morning exercise? I'm a fucking dog, we don't wear trousers. And they've just had me clipped, the tight bastards. To cap the fu...

In the house, on me own again. Bored bastard shitless I am. I bark at the odd passer-by just to show a bit of willing more than anything else, sleep a bit, chew me paw a bit, check me bowl a bit (there's never anything in the fucker, I don't know why I bother). Fucking starving I am. They haven't even left the telly on for me or balls all. How the fuck is a Border Terrier supposed to get by in conditions like this. I bet even Terry Fucking Waite had the telly on. Probably sat up in bed, reading the papers with a cup of tea watching Jeremy Kyle all day was our Tez. Not me, oh no. I'm off out of here the first bastard chance I get. I'll show the heartless fuckers. Don't tell anyone right, but I'm going to dig a tunnel....