The BBC report that six men locked away in steel tubes for a year-and-a-half to simulate a mission to Mars have emerged from isolation at a Moscow institute. Conjures up all sorts of mental images that doesn't it? Luckily for me however I suffer from no such restrictions and have already curled out my first yule log of the winter this morning combined with a "George Papandreou" lookalike which was very reluctant to leave. Time for a snooze now and rest me bum 'til half an hour after tea. Shabba.

Beer in those "handy fridge dispenser" boxes. What's that all about? "Insulate your beer from the cold nastiness of your fridge by placing it inside this handy tight-fitting cardboard box. For best results place your box in the airing cupboard or on top of a radiator. Warning: please ensure that you are wearing steel toe-tipped slippers when opening for the first time." Pooh count: just the one so far which looked a bit like John Terry "sans armband"...

Is John Terry a low life racist scumbag? A) Yes B) Very much so or C) Without a shadow of a doubt. He was apparently at the training ground this morning and he dribbled round Kalou, Malouda, Sturridge and Anelka before slamming the ball high into the roof of the net. A despairing Andre Villas-Boas sinks his head into his hands and shouts "How many times is this? I said dribble round the CONES John, the CONES..."

A little girl sits on Santa's lap and says "This year I want a Barbie doll, a Nintendo DS Lite, a new teddy bear, a..." And Santa interrupts with "Whooooaaah there, do you mind if I finish this pooh first???"

Went to the local paper shop with me Dad this morning and as he was handing over his cash the woman behind the counter said "are you all right love, you look like you're crying?" Me Dad wiped away a little tear from his eye and said "yes, sorry pet, it's just that you look so much like my ex wife." Handing him his change the woman said "ah bless, did she pass away?" And me Dad said "no, but she was a big fat munter like you too." Pooh count: just the two. No Monopoly houses in today's offerings either, although there was a hint of a look of Blackpool Tower about one of them. In fact come to think of it most of my pooh's do look like the Blackpool/Fleetwood area.

We had our first one at half past four today, half past bleedin' four. His opening line was a predictable "Trick or Treat, Mister?" Me dad said "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." Me Dad said "But you haven't even got a costume on or anything, you're just in normal clothes." The kid said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

For once the two-leggeds didn't book me into Stalag 45 whilst they went away on holiday, they actually took me with them this time. I reckon that the fake cough I put on the last time I came back from kennels must have done the trick. Either that or the fleas. Any road up, I had a bracing week away on the east coast to recharge the old batteries and enjoyed plenty of walks along the beaches of Redcar, Saltburn, Staithes and Sandsend. For some reason the two-leggeds get all excited about fossil-hunting on these walks, with the air frequently punctured by an excited "come and have a look at this one" and such like. Exactly what is so impressive about finding a 70 million year old ammonite is beyond me. It's inedible for one thing, so where's the excitement in that? Still, whilst they are walking along with their heads almost literally in the sand I get plenty off opportunistic truffling opportunities so everybody's happy at the end of the day. Pooh count two, on...