Took me Dad to the Monet exhibition at the Tate Britain the other day and we stumbled across the famous Water Lilies. "Typical bloody French," me Dad said. "Lazy bastards - can't be bothered to do anything properly." I was about to explain that the emphasis on the subtle depiction of light in its changing qualities and the attempt to capture 'movement' on canvas with liberal brushstrokes culminated in what's universally accepted the world over as an impressionist masterpiece. But me Dad continued before I could open my mouth: "Only a lazy bloody Frog would let his garden pond get into that state."

Me Dad was putting me in the back of the car today to take me out for my morning constitutional and the little dyslexic ginger kid from over the road was badgering his Mum. "Mummy, Mummy, can we go for a McDonalds after school? Please." So his Mum said "I tell you what, if you can spell McDonalds son then we'll go, how's that?" So he thought for a minute and said "Nah, bollocks to it, lets go for a KCF instead." Honest. Are you calling me a lira?

Nice walkies yesterday down that lane where all the rabbits are. Managed to get a shed load of "terrier truffles" down my neck mixed with copious mouthfuls of grass before rounding off my al fresco full English with a large helping of Poodle pooh. Scrum-diddly. Strangely started to feel a tad queasy mid-afternoon so decided to eject my morning repast in order to make room for tea. Me Dad appeared less than amused, despite the fact that I helpfully took myself off into the hall to have a quiet word with Rolf, as I recalled his acute displeasure the last time I had a conversation with Huey in the lounge. You just can't please some people can you?

Me dad says that the most surprising thing about that bloke who drove his Frontera up Snowdon was that the wretched thing had the ability to get anywhere near the top. He says that the one and only time he had a Frontera he was lucky if it could make it round the block without conking out. The guy says that the reason for doing it was that it topped his "fifty things to do before you die" list. The sad bastard. Wonder what else was on there? Cycle to the shops for a paper?

The google.co.uk homepage today, celebrating what would have been Freddie Mercury's 65th birthday, is being called "genius" and "a work of inspired art" on Twitter. I look forward to what they come up with in four years time then.....

Got left "home alone" for four hours on Saturday whilst me Mum & Dad sloped off to the pub to celebrate the end of the school holidays. Six o'clock it was when I got me tea. Six o'stinking clock. Then forced to walk all the way into town on Sunday morning to pick up the car. Even a game of "itchy and scratchy" and "zig zag" en-route failed to lift my spirits. Then to cap the whole sorry episode was made to wait until six o'clock again for me tea on Sunday as they seem to have come up with the crazy notion that I shouldn't be entitled to two teas any more, the tight bastards. My own tea first, followed by a large helping of whatever they're having. If we had a cat I'd kick it. On second thoughts though I might be better off eating it. Kit-e-mince. Yum yum. Pooh count: just the one, I'm running on empty as they say.