Everton play Villa tomorrow, who have just been dealt a terrible blow by the African Nation's Cup - apparently Emile Heskey isn't African. I reckon that he could've been half decent if he'd spent more time training and less time advertising the Premier Inn. Pooh count: just the one, I may DHL it off to Alex McLeish, if they've got a shirt that will fit it I reckon it might get a start tomorrow. I'll let it cool down a bit first obviously, we wouldn't want to start a fire at the sorting office would we?

Strange isn't it that Tesco's takings were down over the Christmas period, yet Anthony Worrall Thompson's takings from Tesco were up. Still, fair play to the fella, he didn't hide away but turned up to film an edition of Ready, Steady, Cook at Elstree this afternoon. Ainsley ignored the recent rumpus completely and said "Welcome AWT old mate, what's in your bag for a fiver?" AWT replied "A ten pound sea bass, three lobsters, half a pound of truffles, some saffron and six bottles of Chablis." Allegedly.

Walks into the KKKlanfield changing room and discovers to his shock a large steaming turd in the middle of the deck. "Who's shit on the floor?" he demands. Quick as a flash Andy Carroll raises his hand: "Me Boss, but I'm quite good in the air, waye eye," he replies. Talking of which...what a monster I uncurled round Dingley Dell this morning. This rascal was so large it had it's own gravitational pull, I swear. It took so long to deposit it had seven breather rings on it, a bit like Saturn but browner it was. And more sausage shaped obviously, I'm not a freak you know. Nice business.

TV chef Antony Worrall Thompson has been cautioned by the Rozzers for shoplifting in Tescos I read today. What was he thinking of? Think of all the clubcard points he'd have got if he'd paid for the stuff for a start off. And cheese and wine, what's that all about? If you're gonna nick something you might as well go for a plasma telly and a bottle of Glenfiddich mightn't you? The soft get. Pooh count: just the one, but what a whopper it was. Think Lenny Henry, but funnier obviously and without the stupid suit and you're about there. Last seen checking into the Premier Inn in Harrogate it was. Monster...