Nothing makes my uncle's heart sink faster then when his other half produces the Paint Chart.  Then she utters the immortal words, - "I think that would look good in the new kitchen". Then she points her finger to a small square on the chart, and he squints at it trying feign interest. "What colour is that?" he says innocently. "Elephants Breath" she says, as if it fuckin obvious. Well no it's no obvious at all, I assume an elephant when it exhales doesn't show off its breath, since its baking hot in Africa and India - which is where they come from after all. "Penguins Breath" yeah maybe you've got an outside chance of seeing that, in the icy wastes. Elephants Breath? It's probably pale shade of grey. Who makes this shit up? Here are some genuine colours from the chart ... Downpipe Drab Railings Ammonite Why not just make names up with random words and be done with it? Biscuit Foreskin Minge Polecat Grey Inner Tube Oh no; she...

Fuck me, yet another load of TV tosh to view, This time it's NOT the Great British Bake Off, it's JUNIOR Bake Off! Who the hell needs to see someone's else's little brat showing off their cooking skills? Here's a run down of the contestants. Alfie Suggs aged 3, he loves beans, every meal features beans. Likes to smear his dinner in his hair and on his face. Tristram Ffforbes-Smyth Rhys-Mogg  aged 5, calls the servant when he wants his dinner. Foie Gras, Beluga Caviar, Oven Roasted Pheasant with Quail eggs, that sort of thing. Chelsea-Marie aged 3; Nevers eats anything until she's screamed herself hoarse for 10 minutes first. Sulks in the corner. etc Who makes these programs up? Junior Bake Off, Britain's Got Toddler Talent. Or Infant War Reporter; where plucky 5 year olds visit war torn Sudan, and report direct from the front line with Eritrea. There's enough shite on TV already without adding Junior Toddler Chef to the list.  Sadly in Episode 1 little...