Reports are flooding in from all over Essex that this missing schoolgirl has been sighted there. Presumably from the same twats that saw that lion a couple of weeks ago. Google is 14 years old today I see, I bet that's got a few maths teachers interested. As torrential rain and gales continue to lash the north of England, me Dad says he couldn't believe how strong the wind was last night. He only nipped out to get a pint of milk for me Mum and got blown all the way to the Coach & Horses. They say that "if something's worth having then it's worth waiting for" don't they? Me Dad says he discovered that to be complete bollocks when he got a job working in the warehouse at Argos. He didn't last long though, something about a "clash of personalities" he reckons. Although that requires having a personality in the first place doesn't it? The thick get. He was pulled over by a police car on his way home from work last night. The officer said

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ. It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their whist drive until next Wednesday and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of View. Woof.

Andrew Lloyd Webber. Saw a picture of him on the front of a newspaper magazine at the weekend and was shocked to hear that he's human. What a fucking ugly twat he is. Talk about hitting every branch of the ugly tree on the way down, this bastard clearly climbed back up again and fell down again one more time just to make sure. I thought it was an advert for fucking Star Wars. Jesus, he makes me Dad look like Brad Pitt that bloke. He very nearly put me off me tea, although as it was sausages he didn't. Like a cross between a snake, Yoda and that bloke of the League of Gentleman who's had his nose sellotaped to his head. He's minted like, but you'd need to be with a kipper like that wouldn't you? The Bogey Man probably tells his kids to behave or Andrew Lloyd Webber will come and get you. He look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan. I mean, everyone has a right to be ugly, but he abuses the privilege. Nice bloke by all accounts though...