Why did little Tommy fall off the swing? Because he had no arms. Knock, knock. Who's there? Well not little Tommy obviously. A doctor goes into a hospital ward to see a pregnant lady, who has had terrible stomach cramps and fears for her unborn child. "Well, my dear, there's good news and bad news, which would you like first?" the doctor says. Bracing herself the lady opts for the bad news. "Well, we've run some tests and the bad news is that your baby has got ginger hair," the doctor says. "Oh no!" she sighs. "What's the good news?" The doctor replies, "It's dead."

Me Dad went down the doctors yesterday, what a bloody depressing place that sounds. Full of ill people watching the "telly" - except the sole channel that they have got makes Jeremy Kyle programmes look uplifting. Welcome....Think you've got Chlamydia? Well that's probably the least of your worries, but no problem, we've got special "where did I get that from" self-testing kits in the bogs so nobody can see your dirty secret. Oh, missus, you don't look too clever, why not start saving for your funeral now so that you won't be the same almighty burden after you've gone as you are now. Hurry! Under 25? You've probably got the pox. Whap your privates out onto the table and the nurse will have a quick look for you. Don't worry she's seen it all before. Christ, will you look at the shape of that. Hang on, let me get Doris from reception to have a shuftie. Over 45? You've almost certainly got heart & liver disease, that's wh