It's going to take an effort of momentous proportions to shift the NOTW from top slot for the turd of the week award, but the bloody teachers are giving it their best shot. Having already pissed me Mum off last week with their strike, they then got her goat even more on Monday with another of their stupid teacher training days. Now they've asked her to run the little fella, wotsisname, to a bloody rounders tournament 3/4 of an hour away, hang around for two hours in the rain and then bring him and all his mates back. Then last night he had to attend the poxy school play until half past eight where he has a bit part containing one line, and the bloody arse-covering headmaster rang up to say that he didn't think it was right that he should be made to walk 500 yards home alone at that time of night. Me Mum was far from happy, pointing out that walking home in broad daylight in mid-July at the same time that he's normally playing out until was the least of his worries as he...

The Grim Reaper has been round again, this time picking up Speedy the hamster. The pets in this place are deserting faster than advertisers at the News of the World at the moment. "Leave her outside for the cats," was me Dad's cruel suggestion. Followed by "OK then, let's tie her to a bit of string and whirl her around our heads to see if we can attract one of those Red Kites that keep flying over." The heartless bastard, I think he watched Kes on Film4 the other night. Me Mum held a simple but moving ceremony at the bottom of the garden and tucked Speedy up for the last time under the Acer, next to Stanley the cross-dressing guinea pig. I hope that the cats don't keep digging her up as we didn't have a spare shoebox handy to put her in. She's gone in "au naturale" as they say. That's it then, just three pets left. Gizmo the hamster, looks a bit frail he does, about 4 or 5 he is which is 180 in human terms I think. Then there's ...

Have already forged into a commanding lead for this week's Turd of the Week award. What a bunch of low life scumbags they are. The only thing that surprises me about their antics is why they would think that anyone would be interested in anything left on Vanessa Feltz's voicemail. "It's Pizza Hut here Vanessa, we're running a bit late with your 84" deep crust hot 'n' spicy as the delivery truck's just lost it's back axle." Pooh count: two, a family-sized Toblerone and a Double Decker, just for Vanessa.

I see that Reuters are reporting that after "six prime ministers in six years of sometimes bloody political upheaval" Thailand has just elected it's first ever female Prime Minister. Are they sure? Are they really sure? Nice walk around the Valley Gardens this morning, chanced across a 3/4 melted cornetto, which is always a bonus. You get a better class of litter dropper round the Valley Gardens. There was an old lady sitting in the cafe, supping a cup of tea and eating a Kit Kat. As she bit into it she got all excited, as they are running this competition at the moment and if you find one with red in the middle you win ten grand. She's jumping up and down going "it's red, it's red!" Her carer said, "no Doris, you've got gum disease, remember?" The Beckhams are expecting a new addition to their happy throng today I hear. Their first girl by all accounts. I'm forecasting 6lb 2oz. I'm not going to bother predicting the weight of t...

Cheryl and Ashley Cole are apparently back together and are planning on starting a family. Ryan Giggs and John Terry have already put tenders in to be the father if it turns out that Ashely is firing blanks, according to my sources. Their marriage originally got into trouble when Ashley found out that Cheryl was miming her orgasms. Real Madrid are said to be interested in signing the England left back, they've offered him 150 grand a week and unlimited texts. Woof.

In a three way photo finish to a very exciting turd of the week award, Richard Branson defied top weight to get up on the line, beating Andy Murray on the nod into second with the bloody teachers a neck back in third. Branson is said to be "over the moon" to pick up the prestigious award for appalling service in the face of such stiff opposition. No clear favourite has emerged yet for this week's award although Americans in general could be in with a shout, Stevie Wonder is expected to run well with the blinkers on, and it's also highly possible that Ratko Mladic will defy a penalty to feature prominently in this week's race. By the way, what's the difference between David Haye and me Dad's trousers? Me Dad's trousers don't fall down every 3 minutes. Pooh count, a respectable four, one of which reminded me of a Yule Log. Except without the sprig of holly obviously.