Scientists have apparently unravelled the entire genetic code of the potato, me Mum informs me. Exactly why she thinks I need to be armed with this information I'm not sure. I unravelled the entire genetic code of three cheese muffins carelessly left below waist height yesterday and got a kick up the arse and no tea for me troubles. Hopefully the scientists concerned will pick up more of a reward than that. A McDonald's spokesperson was heard to say "what's that got to do with me?" when given the news. "When they've unravelled the entire genetic code of salt and a chicken McNugget give us a call back," he added.

There's an app for that. As me old Mum (the four-legged one) used to say "Chummy, son, you can have all the money in the world but what use is that if you're dead?" She was mad as a box of frogs mind. Today all my Jobs will be big Apple-scented Jobs as a mark of respect.....

Apparently scientists have discovered that dogs and humans share the same DNA. Me Dad says that would explain why the kids don't like taking a bath and his ex missus was a bitch. Personally I think he's just jealous that he can't lick his own gonads. Pooh count: three, one that you could hang your hat on and a couple of "sloppy Joes" - nice business.....

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously. "That's disgusting!" shouts the girl. "It's the dog," proclaims the guy. "Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly." Honest, that really did happen.