Was looking forward to watching Team GB in the football. Shame to see that they've been drawn in the "Group of Deaf" though. Bosses have announced that, unlike the players themselves, they won't be using visually impaired referees. Howard Webb and Phil Dowd are said to be gutted. Apparently there is no truth in the rumour that we won gold in the boxing after our lad licked his Russian opponent in the final though. Woof.

Did you see the picture of that cat that was spotted in Essex and reported to be an escaped lion? Muppets, it looked no more like an escaped lion than me. It just goes to show you though doesn't it how fucking stupid and gullible the great British public are. No sooner had one tosser rang up to report it, than other equally stupid tossers were ringing up to confirm the sighting of it, and/or confirmation of hearing "an enormous roar" coming from some nearby bushes. These wanky mass hysteria plebs that walk amongst us do like a fucking good panic don't they? Salmonella, swine flu, bird flu, fucking lions on the loose, where is it all going to end? Killer pigeons? Axe wielding homicidal hamsters? Border Terriers that don't roll in shit and steal sandwiches, Haribo and ice creams off small children? The people of Essex you disgust me. Get back on Jeremy Kyle.

Pork scratchings for dogs they are. So imagine my disgust to find that Me Mum & Dad's equivalent of Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare of them. Pig's ears bereft we are in our house. And why is that I'm sure you are wondering. The answer would appear to be that my penny-pinching surrogate parents couldn't bring themselves to fork out more for a packet of pig's ears in Asda today than the weekend's Sunday roast joint cost. Yes, nearly seven fuckin quid it was for a packet of pig's ears apparently. Seven quid. Somebody is clearly taking the piss, and by doing so depriving me of my lunchtime treat. The dirty robbing bastards.  Pound for pound a pig's ear is comfortably the most expensive part of it's body. In fact, on a pound for pound basis pig's ears are now more expensive in Asda than fuckin fillet steak! So what the fuck is going on there then? Fuckin, fuckety bastard fuck is all I can say.