I see President Trump's lawyer has wired 130,000 US Dollars to former porn actress Stormy Daniels. Nothing suspicious about that - I mean - who hasn't paid off a porn actress with 130,000 dollars in their time? 130,000 dollars is perfectly reasonable expenses for a light lunch and a can of peas. [Editors note - it's pronounced canapes] which I am sure was what it was. Nothing dodgy, oh No!. In 2005 he was quoted saying, I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women - I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. Considering some of the gymnastic activities that Ms Daniels has been involved in; I think a full protection suit might be in order mate. Hey, it's the President, he's losing woof, or should that be wood? This is a code red, Jason Bourne style national security situation - quick, get some Tic Tacs! Note: This isn't Harvey Weinstein I'm talking abo...

Bloody hell, am I on the ball - or what? As soon as I type something or I even just think it - then fuck me - it comes true. No sooner had I spotted two gay penguins were having a chick, then fellow chum and diver Tom Daley announced he was having a baby too. Why didn't they adopt a chick from Malawi like Madonna would do? OK I know there are no fucking penguins in Malawi, but you get my point. Then I mentioned Jordan tattooing her minge; and lo and behold she appears in the glossy mags as part of a cheap publicity stunt. Just to top it off I mention my contacts in Russia and it all kicks off over there as well. I can't say too much obviously - but I won't be going to Salisbury any time soon. On the other hand - Knocker boy, do you fancy a day trip? Woof.