Me Dad is back! He paid the ransom note and I'm back home with the two-leggeds. From what I can tell they had a good time and thought that Portugal was great. Until they got to the airport to find that in the food hall at Faro they were asking 14 euros for a cheeseburger! The robbing bastards. You can see why their economy is in trouble at those rates can't you? Needless to say there wasn't much of a queue. For that price I'd want it cooked at Gidleigh Park by that geezer with the funny arm, whatsisname? You know the one off the telly who looks like an overweight David Craig. I think he starred in The Italian Job and Get Carter. Or am I getting mixed up. If it was him then he must have had a "reverse Michael Jackson" colour change since, but I'm sure it's the same bloke. And he doesn't do the funny voice any more. "My name is Michael Caines" he gave that up years ago. Well I'd want him to be doing the flipping, lightly toasting me bun...

Stuck here in bleedin Stalag 45 whilst the two-leggeds get their puffy white skin burnt to a crisp. Harris in number four smuggled in an iPad which he's lent me for half an hour to type this missive. I've scratched the number of days I've been in here on the wall of my cell and it's now up to nine. I'm sure that the most they've ever left me in here for is seven or eight. The bastards. Freddie in number six says that he got left here for fourteen days last year by his inconsiderate bastards. I'm going to shit all over the kitchen when they finally do turn up. The tight bastards.