Have you heard about this Dutch Prince fella, he was injured in an avalanche last week and is now virtually a vegetable and doctors say may never wake from his coma. A new experience for the Dutch, but one with which we can empathise. We've had Prince Edward for years. Woof...

It's a little known fact that Frank Carson actually got into comedy purely by chance. When he was a young man, he was a church bell-ringer in Northern Ireland, but he was so bad at it that every time he rang the bells, everyone immediately burst out laughing. It was the way he tolled them. Pooh count: two, and one of them a cracker that has your name on it Frankie. You can pick it up from Pearly Gates reception on your way in.

On of me Corgi mates tells me that Her Maj phoned the Duke of Edinburgh up on his mobile yesterday and asked him to bring something home for the pancakes. She went mental when he came home with a push-up bra. Pooh count: three. One of which appeared to glow in the dark. I must be eating too many carrots.

Saying that he's got a pain in his bowel. The doctor puts on his rubber gloves and starts probing around. "I can't feel anything," says the doctor. "Ah, aaaaah, a bit deeper!" says George. "No, still nothing," says the doctor. ""Ah, aaaaah, a bit deeper!" says George. "Still nothing," says the doctor. "Ah, oooooh, aaaaah, deeper, I think you've almost got it!" says George. "Just a moment ... yes ... I think I've got something ... it's a Ferrero Rocher ... how did that get in there?" asks the doctor. "No idea," says George "but you keep it, doctor. You've certainly earned it."

The one day in the year that we aren't ashamed to be called a tosser. Although it's just another day like all the others if you're Ed Milliband. Pooh count: two, one of which did look a bit smug come to think of it. Apparently Ed's press office had 34 dog poohs sent to it through the post in 2011. What I want to know is who sent the other four?