Put in 81 crosses in that game against Fulham the other night and still couldn't win it. The last time Wayne Rooney saw that many crosses was when he picked up the results of his GCSE maths paper. Woof.....

Our kitchen keeps getting flooded in the middle of the night, especially when me Mum and Dad go to bed early, and we don't even live in Somerset. The flood waters round here smell of piss too, which is a bit odd. As Toyah would say, It's A Mystery. Or was it a Mythtory? Me Dad says not to worry too much about this Somerset lot though, apparently they're so inbred down there that even if the water goes above head height they'll still be able to breathe using their rudimentary gills. We were watching the telly last night and there was this appeal on for money to help South American victims of Hypertrichosis, which is a disease which causes excessively abnormal hair growth in kids, known informally as Werewolf Syndrome. Apparently, just £3/month can rid South America of this dreadful, debilitating affliction. Send a cheque to the Shave the Children Fund. Woof.