Postman Pat is thirty today, according to the Guardian. Which I guess means that Jess the cat is thirty too, that's thirty as well, not 32. That's a ripe old Guinness Book of Records age for a cat. Get me Norris MuckSquirter on line two. You don't see them on the telly any more do you? I think still in his prime Pat is on strike over his pension contributions, whilst an aged and feeble Jess has withdrawn from the celebrity limelight and spends most of her day pissing on her owners lap in a retirement bungalow in Brighton. Think of someone like Barbra Cartland gently stroking her incontinent pussy down on the pier. Pooh count: a monster six, yes six, Norris MuckSquirter could have two new records quite literally on his hands by the end of the day.

I see that the Fonz actor Henry Winkler has been awarded an honorary OBE by the Queen. Happy days. The award is for his work with children with dyslexia. Or Diks as he likes to call them.

Watching "celebrity" MasterChef with me Dad last night I could scarcely believe my little terrier ears when Greg Wallace said something like "these celebrities have reached the very top of their chosen professions, but can they cope with stress like this?" - or something very similar. One "celebrity" being none other than "actress and model" Linda Lusardi. I think that if my sole claim to fame was having reached the pinnacle of "get your tits out for the lads" society then I'd be keeping quiet about it twenty years on. Throwing a blanket over it/them, so to speak. Unless of course they're referring to her glittering acting career: In 1992 she appeared in the "Dead Ringer" observation round of The Krypton Factor and she also sells a range of skin-care products on shopping television. Bugger me, Helena Bonham Carter must be shitting herself. Talking of which today's pooh count is a feelgood three just on case you'