Did you know that statistically speaking, you are more likely to get bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark? Woof.... Christ that was a right twatting for Brazil last night wasn't it? Can't say I'm sorry, even if it does mean that Germany are in the final. That gives me a good opportunity to tell one or two of my favourite German jokes though. Two German blokes are in a bar, and one says to the other "I saw a long queue of men waiting outside you house last night whilst you were out, and your missus kept letting them in one by one every half hour or so!" The other German replies "Yes, sadly she has turned to prostitution to subsides her drink and drug habit." That's about as funny as it gets in Germany. I say, I say, I say, why aren't there any asprin in the jungle? Because the retailing of pharmaceuticals in a largely unpopulated rainforest isn't economically viable. Woof.

Any headline featuring the words "Gay Cake" has to be worth a read, right? So this one obviously caught the eye from the BBC: 'Gay cake' row could end up in court. Essentially, it's about a Northern Irish bakery that refused to take an order for a wedding cake from a pair of chutney ferrets. Unfortunately the fudge packers concerned elected to place their order with a "Christian" bakery, probably unaware that such things exist. But then again, this is Northern Ireland we are talking about. The "Christian" bakery told them to feck off, which in itself seems to contradict the word "Christian" to me, but I digress. Marriage is supposed to be the union of one man and one woman, they said. Or in me Dad's words "an expensive waste of time between one man and various women (although at different times obviously)". Apparently MrsN#1 is presently on her way to Malaysia to help the hunt for missing flight MH370. Me Dad says that s...

Denies that he once "touched up" Vanessa Feltz, he says he simply thought he was sedating a hippo on Animal Hospital. Talking of Rolf, or "rolfing" to be more precise, I got into the teenager's bedroom at he weekend. A rare event indeed for the door top be open, and what a fucking mess that was/is. I can see why she keeps the door shut and the blinds closed now. I just thought she was a fucking vampire. Have you ever seen one of those compulsive hoarders programmes on the telly? Where they keep all the old TV Times's from the 60's to the present day, grandma's old clothes, the engine from a washing machine that died in 1974, and that useful collection of odd socks? Shite all over the carpet, or the "floordrobe" as me Mum and Dad wittily call it. Still, in among that shite was some chocolate. I say was, as I obviously saw it as my duty to help clean things up a little. Well, when I say clean, "redistribute" is possibly a better wor...