The bastards have all buggered off to work, or school, or wherever the fuck it is that they go, leaving me on me Jack Jones once more. Still, at least they've left the TV remote control within easy reach. So here I am watching old re-runs of Antiques Roadshow from the settee, whist eating cheesey nibblets. Don't you hate it on Antiques Roadshow when people bring in any old shit, expecting to get a mega value on it because it has some un-provable "provenance" I think they call it. "Yes, Fiona, it might just look like a piece of old chewwy to you, but I picked this up outside The Cavern Club in 1960, just after John Lennon gobbed it into the gutter." Or, "My Mum's next door neighbour's sister used to work at Buckingham Palace at the time of the Royal Wedding between Charles and Diana. Well, Charles came home bladdered the night before the wedding, having gone out on his stag night with his brothers, Andrew and the other one. Drunk as a skunk he wa...

This Malaysian plane thing. Why don't they just tell the insurance claimback twats that half the passengers on the plane might have been mis-sold PPI and they'd soon track the fuckers down. Also, following the tragic death of Mick Jagger's girlfriend L'Wren Scott, the Rolling Stone's singer is said to be "in a state of shock and too upset to talk about it," by his new girlfriend. Andy Murray and his coach Ivan Lendl have split up I see. Lendl said he couldn't understand a word the Jock Twat said. Four people have died in a helicopter crash in Norfolk. The dead were so horribly disfigured that the locals thought that they were still alive. Clarissa Dickson Wright has died, aged 66. I don't know why, but I think I'd have found it more appropriate if she'd have hung on for another 22 years. And finally, Waddingtons have launched a new disabled version of Cluedo today. The runner did it, in the bathroom, with the revolver. Woof.