I'm frankly gutted to discover my name has been omitted from the Queen's New Year's Honours list. Lorraine Kelly and Stuart Hall get a mention so why not me? Not an OBE, a CBE or nothing. I think she's anti-Terrier. That's her off my Christmas Pooh list for next year that's for sure. She reeks of wee you know, and I heard that she has them corgis in bed with her too, the senile old duffer.

Liverpool have apparently made enquiries about unsettled Villa striker Darren Bent, I hear. Heskey might be available in the January transfer window King Kenny if you're interested. Luis Suarez says that he's not happy about "one of those" coming up here and "taking our jobs" apparently. Come to think of it Bent has been "unsettled" everywhere he's been hasn't he? He's had more clubs than Tiger Woods that lad. Still, his bank manager isn't complaining and neither is his agent I expect. "Come in Darren lad, ooooh you do look all unsettled. I'll see if I can get you in at Liverpool, but don't bother unpacking your stuff when you get there as there's not a lot of point is there really?"

This bloke down our road got done last week for "interfering" with some sheep. The man confessed to a similar offence with a pig several years ago, but said that he hadn't done it in donkeys. Honest. Would I lie to you????