It was the usual Friday morning chumble down by the Nidd Gorge today with mad cousin Paddy, followed by a nice sleep in the sunshine in the garden. Barked at the postman, the man posting flyers for the local Indian takeaway and the bloke offering us cheaper electricity than the rest. That's the third one this week. I'm sure it's the same bloke you know, he just puts a different jumper on each day. "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Scottish Power." Rag and bone men seem to have made a comeback in these recessionary times I've noticed. Well, when I say rag & bone men, in the old days they used to offer you a few bob for your old cooker. Nowadays they just take it when the backdoor is open, the dirty thieving gyppos. "I'm sorry, I thought that as you'd left this brand new BMW on your drive that you probably didn't want it guvnor chim chiminey don'tyaknow. You just don't understand our country travelling ways. So what if I want to

Sometimes it's a bit boring being a dog. We have to make our own amusement in a back to basics "jumpers for goalposts" kind of a way. Today's fun was pissing on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night underneath the kitchen table. When I do that you see they come down in the morning, give it all the "isn't he a good boy" stuff, a pat on the head, a little treat, and only get to find out about my little misdemeanour about half an hour later. Went walkies round Jacob Smith Park this morning, which was fun, but got stuck behind white van man on the way back. Emblazoned across the back of his van was one of those stupid made up words that really get my goat. They think that it makes them sound important. Today's word was "ulitergy". What does that mean then? This guy was apparently an expert in utilergy. It's easy to say that you are an expert in something that nobody has ever heard of, that way they can't disprove your audacious c

You've got a lot to answer to you two-leggeds. Scanning the TV pages for something interesting to watch tonight me Dad announced that there was nothing on, "not unless you are interested in the worst place in the world to be gay," he said. "Where's that?" asked me Mum, "Uganda," came the reply. "Well I'm not surprised they're all at it over there, they invented it," she added with great authority. "How do you know, have you ever been there?" he enquired. "No, but I've never been to the Arctic Circle, but I know it's cold," she retorted. I don't know how he puts up it, I really don't. Pooh count: half a dozen, I couldn't really be arsed today.

I'm in it again. Just because I ate a teeny weeny bit of rear chunder on the morning constitutional. If she fed me properly then we wouldn't have to go through all this rigmarole would we? I know for a fact that Spike up the road gets a full English with three rounds of toast every morning. What do I get? Bugger all that's what. Not even a lightly boiled egg and a few soldiers. Balls all. So I can hardly be blamed for tucking into a few terrier truffles when I'm out and about can I? Pooh count: four.