Me Dad had one of them jumbo sausage rolls for his lunch yesterday, not a cheapo one, a "premium" version - he does like to spoil himself. So naturally I was hanging around at his feet, working on the assumption that he'll never eat a whole one of those. "Premium Jumbo Sausage Roll - filled with prime British sausage meat" it said on the packet. Now I've just looked up the word "filled" on dictionary.com and it says "to make full; put as much as can be held into; to occupy to the full capacity; to supply to an extreme degree or plentifully." Nowhere does it say "picture a small cocktail sausage placed into the mouth of the Mersey Tunnel." The robbing bastards. Needless to say there weren't any leftovers for yours truly. I was saddened to hear of the premature death of golfing great Seve Ballesteros, who was buried on top of his father yesterday in the family tomb. One over Pa eh Seve?

There's another great and totally original idea for a game show. Take two random celebrities, erm, I don't know...Ian Hislop and Paul Merton for example, throw in a witty and articulate border terrier like me to host the show, to pull it all together like and Bob's you uncle. Slip in a few token pooh jokes and you're laughing. Reeves and Mortimer's Big Shite Out, there's another one for you. Let's think of something totally off the wall... here you go we have a giant dove called Ulkicack, cack, cack caaa who is lowered down from the ceiling at the start of every show. Nobody's ever done that before. Stool Academy, we could sell that one to the Septics. Faeces the Music, there's another, hosted by Tom O'Connor - he's never worked since so he's bound to be free. Contestants have up to seven seconds to name which type of dog a fart came from..."I'll name that pong in one, Tom. Was it a border terrier?"..."You're right

Nice walkies round Studley Royal yesterday. Learnt that swan pooh isn't for me. They say I'll eat anything, well now I've proven them all wrong. Swan pooh appears to be the Marmite of the pooh world, whilst other terriers around me were tucking in to a hearty swan pooh brunch with gusto, I found the whole thing a little too, erm, swanny. Which gave me a great idea for a TV show. MasterPooh. John Torode and Greg Wallace taste a variety of culinary delights dished up by dogs like me with our own special twist, if you know what I mean. Seared scollops with black pudding on a dog pooh purée followed by saddle of roast venison, "terrier truffles" and a dog pooh quinelle finished off with a palate cleansing white dog pooh mouse with chocolate sprinkles (no expense spared there). They could get Michel Pooh Jnr to assist. I think it'd be a nailed on winner that one.