The leaked memoirs of a "big cheese" at a large northern compound feed manufacturer threaten to blow the lid off the industry, I can exclusively reveal. Speaking to Nogger's Dog's Blog on strict condition of anonymity the man, who I can only refer to as Brown Nose for legal reasons, confessed that competition for a feed order was now so intense in his part of the country that reps are being forced to "stoop to all sorts of depravity" to get an order. "Even bottom fettling?" I asked. "That's just the shameful tip of it," he replied. "One large dairy farmer nearby will only give us his order if the rep lets him ride him into town on all fours stripped naked whilst the farmer plays that tune from the film Deliverance on his banjo," he revealed. "And if our guy won't do it then the next chap up the drive will," he sobbed.

They're really doing my head in now. Every thirty seconds there's a knock at the door. "Is George in?" It must be doing me Mum and Dad's head in even more than mine as they're the poor sods who are up and down like an up and down thing to answer the bleedin' door. And it's not just that, the knock is preceded by the trundle of those wretched scooters that all the 8-12 year olds in the neighbourhood seem to think are ever so cooool even though they in fact make the "scootee" look as camp as a row of tents. Christ they will look back in abject horror that they ever trailed round in one of those "gay bicycles" a few years from now. I strongly urge all parents right now to make sure that they get a picture of their offspring on their scooter for future posterity. "Yes, of course we'd like to meet your new girlfriend, bring her in whilst I upload those picture of you on your gay scooter onto the 56 inch plasma telly....."