Well, I've opened my parcel, and you'll never guess what it is - only some dog biscuits free and gratis from Dodson & Horrell, suppliers of horse and dog food to the Queen. The fucking Queen. Christ! One minute I'm a Border Terrier rolling around in shit and the next I'm hob-nobbing with bleeding royalty. It's a funny old life innit? I could be knobbing a Corgi by the end of the week, don't laugh, look at Mike Tindall, the cauliflower-eared, ugly, broken-nosed twat. One minute he's having his ear bitten off in a scrum and the next he's tupping royalty. And that Limpik Wimbik Optic bloke. OK the Cheeky Girls aren't royalty exactly, but have you seen the face on him? And Andrew Lloyd Webber, Christ that's real ugliness that is. When he was born he was so ugly that the midwife slapped his Mum. I'm moving up in the world. I can smell it. At least I think that's what I can smell....

Is it purely a coincidence that on the same day that it's confirmed that the "50 Shades of Grey" creator E L James has become the world's best-paid author, that J K Rowling announces that her next book is to be entitled "Harry Potter Chokes The Chicken"? I think not. I'm a bit excited today. Me Dad says he's got another parcel in work for me. What can it be? I've still got loads of ears left (they only give me one at weekend's the tight bastards. Me Dad say's I'm getting fat. Pot, fucking kettle, take a look in the mirror Lard Boy). They get sent to me by my best mates in the whole wide world, Thomas Bell the country's leading fertiliser merchant, so it can't be more of them surely and it's ages to Christmas yet. I'll let you know tomorrow....

What is it with Mongs and trains? The two go intrinsically together like Ant & Dec, or shit & my neck. Me Dad says that travelling home from Leeds on the train the other night he was the only normal person on there. The thing was awash with Mongs. Leeds, of course holds the record for the UK's highest per capita ratio of Mongs to normal people in the country. According to a recent survey by Defra 37.6% of the population of Leeds is a type 1 Mong, and a further 34.2% is a type 2. For those that don't know the difference, a type 1 is easily spotted as being what me Dad calls a "mouth breather" - these are Mongs who are familiar with the concept of breathing through  their noses, but simply chose not to do it. Why take the risk? You've done perfectly fine breathing through your mouth all these years, there's simply no point experimenting with this new fangled technology of nasal breathing is there? The second category, the slightly rarer type 2 Mong, is e...