What is it with Mongs and trains? The two go intrinsically together like Ant & Dec, or shit & my neck. Me Dad says that travelling home from Leeds on the train the other night he was the only normal person on there. The thing was awash with Mongs. Leeds, of course holds the record for the UK's highest per capita ratio of Mongs to normal people in the country. According to a recent survey by Defra 37.6% of the population of Leeds is a type 1 Mong, and a further 34.2% is a type 2. For those that don't know the difference, a type 1 is easily spotted as being what me Dad calls a "mouth breather" - these are Mongs who are familiar with the concept of breathing through their noses, but simply chose not to do it. Why take the risk? You've done perfectly fine breathing through your mouth all these years, there's simply no point experimenting with this new fangled technology of nasal breathing is there? The second category, the slightly rarer type 2 Mong, is easily spotted from a distance as the "for fuck's sake PLEASE don't sit next to me" thought screams across your brain. They look a bit like Mr Bean, only funnier, obviously. If they aren't hanging around Leeds railway station taking pictures of the trains, then they're getting on the fuckers and sitting next to you, picking their nose and generously offering you an Uncle Joe's Mint Ball all at the same time. Then there's the very rare type 3 Mong. Normally shy and reclusive due to their enormous size, they combine all the traits of the type 1 & 2, along with ginger hair and freckles. Sometimes seen working in McDonald's or Asda. Look for the till with no queue at it whatsoever, whilst the others are all 30 people deep and you've probably "twitched" yourself a type 3. Next week, how to avoid trannies on the bus. Woof.
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.