Bloody snow, I hate the stuff. It snowed here on Saturday, which meant that my Sunday morning constitutional consisted of me running around Horseshoe Field at Conyngham bollock deep in the wretched white stuff tying to put on a display of pleasure for the two-leggeds. "Ah look at him, he loves snow," they'd say. "Look at him running and jumping around in it." Well you'd run and jump around if your bollocks were dangling in snow wouldn't you? Me poor little paws were frozen solid by the time we got back to the car. Pooh count: two, both of them "steamers" - in fact one of them was giving off so much vapour it reminded me of Drax power station, except a bit smaller and browner obviously. And it probably couldn't have powered 20,000 homes in Pontefract. A small pensioners bungalow maybe. As long as they didn't have all the lights on, and the bath running. They don't have many baths pensioners do they? One a month maybe, so the chances of them having all the lights on and a bath running are about 30/1. They probably need something to tempt them into the water. I know, here's a great idea I've just had. I'm gonna curl out a special log later and leave it outside to freeze. Then with a bit of help from me Dad I reckon we could make a little paddle steamer out of it with the aid of a small pencil, a couple of teaspoons and an elastic band. Our selected pensioner could then play with it in the bath, as long as they didn't stay in the water for too long, they could have a little play and stop themselves reeking of mint imperials and cat wee all at the same time. We could call it the QE Pooh, they're a very patriotic lot in general, pensioners. That'd tempt them into the water I reckon. See up here for thinkin', down there for dancin'.
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.