Kiss my furry winnit-encrusted arse Phones4u you pathetic shower of useless tossbags. If British Unfairways were into mobile phones then surely this would be their business model. Having spent much of the last two days panting with near exhaustion in the back of a hot car whilst me Dad drives from pillar to bastard post all round bastard town trying to sort out what should be a relatively simple problem for most normal people, but clearly not for the combined ineptitude of the window licking retards at Phones4u. Bellends4u that's what they should be called. Take note of their "no returns even if we have blatantly failed to deliver what we said we were going to deliver policy" with the jokingly added on "this does not affect your statutory rights". Me Dad's statutory right is to have his fucking money back whilst I inform the world that a more useless shower of incompetent monkeys than you lot it would be difficult to chance across outside a home for amoeba&#

I see that the inventor of TV remote controls died today. Down the back of the settee he was. They tried turning his batteries around and smacking him against the coffee table to no avail. Emile Heskey has been released by Aston Villa. Back into the wild I assume? Didier Drogba is considering a move to China as he wants a new challenge, I hear. Nothing to do with the cash then Didier? Still, at least his football boots can be reunited with the six year old that made them. And finally, respect for Robin Gibb. Shortly before he died the doctors told him that he had a cancerous tumour, and asked him what he wanted to do. To which he replied ..."You should be lancing". Pooh count: a nice little threesome.