Has refused to stand down as England captain ahead of Euro 2012. That leaves him free to lead his troops into Poland, just like his hero did. A polished pooh on a plinth is in the post big boy. Did you read that story doing the rounds yesterday that a three year old girl wrote to Sainsbury's suggesting that they should change the name of their "Tiger" bread to "Giraffe" bread as the crust looked more like the latter than the former? And that's exactly what they are doing. Taking a leaf out of her book I've written (and I'm three just like her so I know that they're gonna take it seriously) to Asda suggesting that they rebrand their "colleagues" as "window licking mongs". I'll keep you posted.

Feel a tiny bit sorry for Fred, so I'm going to send him one of my polished poohs on a plinth to see if that cheers him up. I'm sure that and his millions will ease the blow of losing his knighthood. There are too many Sirs around these days anyway, they dish them out to anybody. There are very few with a Nogger's dog polished pooh on a plinth. In fact I think Richard Branson, British Unfairways and Jonathan Toss are the only others that possess one so you're in exalted company there Freddie boy.

Today is the day when football fans up and down the country wait anxiously with one ear glued to Talksport. Hoping that they don't sign Andy Carroll. Or the White Emile Heskey as me Dad calls him. Meanwhile in other transfer news Man City have just paid £45 million for a cryogenically frozen stem cell of Pelé. Kenny Dogleash got all excited when he heard that City were interested a Tevez/Carroll swap until he realised that they meant that in exchange for Carroll Liverpool would get the Pannini sticker version of Carlos "the Jackass" Tevez. Alex McLeish has reassured Villa fans that "Heskey is going nowhere" - tell them something they don't already know Alex. And Liverpool are said to be close to a deal to take Adolph Hitler on loan.

There was precious little going on round here today. Some people were making something in the garden. I don't know what it is because I'm a dog, it involved a lot of sawing, banging and hammering and a few cups of tea changing hands. Up and down the path and in & out of their van they were all day long. So naturally I had to bark at them every time they went past, just so that they knew I was on their case like. There's not much gets past me you know. Stumpy the postman nearly shat himself the other day trying to get that book from Amazon through the letterbox. The kid with learning difficulties over the road DID shit himself the other day when he strayed a bit too close to the end of our drive. And as for the ginger ninja opposite, you don't want to know what he had to scrape out of his pants last week. My house, my rules. It's fifteen minutes to tea time. It better be sausages or there'll be ructions.