Did you know it's his birthday today? No? It's all right, neither does he! Woof. I've sent him a few of my favourite German jokes to cheer him up. Here's just a couple of them: Two German men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your Mum's house." The other man replies: "Yes, I'm afraid that she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit." A black man goes to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral." A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Both of them hit the ground at the same time as hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? No? You should go and have a look, it's really nice. How ...

Well fuck me sideways, me Mam and Dad went away for Christmas, and get this, they actually took me with them! A whole week in a cottage by the sea. There's all sorts of shite to eat on your average English beach you know, it was ace. Dead crabs, bits of decomposing fish, seaweed, mussels, I even bagged meself a severed seagull's head once. Me Dad decided that a bit of tug and war was in order with that one, we had a whale of a time. Him pulling on one end and me the other. Fucking covered in blood at the end of it he was. A proper family Christmas. He took me to the paper shop one day, actually INSIDE the paper shop, not tied up outside like he usually does. What a fucking place that was, there was sweets and chocolate and all sorts of stuff all over the shop. Have you ever tried wresting a packet of Swizzels out of the jaws of a Border Terrier? Me Dad has. There was this magazine on sale in there called Bella. Have you heard of it? There was a picture of some old tramp stood n...