Well fuck me sideways, me Mam and Dad went away for Christmas, and get this, they actually took me with them! A whole week in a cottage by the sea. There's all sorts of shite to eat on your average English beach you know, it was ace. Dead crabs, bits of decomposing fish, seaweed, mussels, I even bagged meself a severed seagull's head once. Me Dad decided that a bit of tug and war was in order with that one, we had a whale of a time. Him pulling on one end and me the other. Fucking covered in blood at the end of it he was. A proper family Christmas. He took me to the paper shop one day, actually INSIDE the paper shop, not tied up outside like he usually does. What a fucking place that was, there was sweets and chocolate and all sorts of stuff all over the shop. Have you ever tried wresting a packet of Swizzels out of the jaws of a Border Terrier? Me Dad has. There was this magazine on sale in there called Bella. Have you heard of it? There was a picture of some old tramp stood next to a badger's arse on the front. I thought "fuck me, why would they put a picture of a smelly old tramp next to a badger's arse on the front of a magazine, that's never going to sell is it?" Then me Dad pointed out that it wasn't an old tramp and a badger's backside, it was Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan! Fuck me, she's let herself go a bit hasn't she? No stranger to the pie counter that one, I'll wager. Oh, and some late news just in...Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight. He's still an arrogant German twat.
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.