Apparently the Monkees have reformed and are to fly to the UK to play a gig in Birmingham (or kiss my arse Brimingham as me Mum fondly calls it) in September. They were asked to perform in Hartlepool too, but the decided to pass on that one for obvious reasons. Woof.

Stephen Hawking is apparently working on a theory that he says will enable him to predict the precise location of everything in the entire universe. Which is handy, 'cos me Dad says he'd love to know where the wanker that put that dent in his bumper in Sainsbury's car park the other day lives. Woof. Me Dad was saying last night that his first missus once asked him if he fancied a bit of doctor and patient role play. So he said, go one then, I'll give anything a try the once. So he put a white coat on, sat her down and said "I'm sorry MrsN#1, but I'm afraid I have to tell you that you're morbidly obese." Which went down a storm apparently.

Walked a bit, ran around a bit, woofed at Stumpy the postman a bit, shat a bit, woofed that the foreign looking gentleman that stuck the Dominos menu through the letterbox a bit, slept a bit - well quite a lot actually. Pissed rather a lot too. Little ones everywhere. Did a big one first thing, obviously. Then lots of small ones here and there. Looked at the clock a bit - still 4 hours to tea-time o'clock. Highlight of the day so far definitely getting a pigs ear when we got back from the walk. My mates Thomas Bell sent me another box full last week, cheers guys. You really are the kindest, nicest, fertiliser importer in the world. Gotta share them with Fuckwit though. I can't believe how long he takes to get through one, about 15-20 minutes, the tart. 1 minute, 32.4 seconds is my personal best. Fucking love pigs ears I do. They chaff a bit on the way out though. Anyway, me joke...This man's walking along the road right, and he sees this lamp in the gutter, so he picks it u...