Walked a bit, ran around a bit, woofed at Stumpy the postman a bit, shat a bit, woofed that the foreign looking gentleman that stuck the Dominos menu through the letterbox a bit, slept a bit - well quite a lot actually. Pissed rather a lot too. Little ones everywhere. Did a big one first thing, obviously. Then lots of small ones here and there. Looked at the clock a bit - still 4 hours to tea-time o'clock. Highlight of the day so far definitely getting a pigs ear when we got back from the walk. My mates Thomas Bell sent me another box full last week, cheers guys. You really are the kindest, nicest, fertiliser importer in the world. Gotta share them with Fuckwit though. I can't believe how long he takes to get through one, about 15-20 minutes, the tart. 1 minute, 32.4 seconds is my personal best. Fucking love pigs ears I do. They chaff a bit on the way out though. Anyway, me joke...This man's walking along the road right, and he sees this lamp in the gutter, so he picks it up, has a look around to check that there's nobody about to laugh at him, and there isn't, so he thinks fuck it, I might as well give it a little rub, just in case like. Well to his shock it's only a fucking real genuine genie's lamp, not one of them Chinky ones that doesn't work that they sell in Poundland. So the genie says, "hey mister, I was having a nice sleep there, thanks for that (he was a bit miserable to be honest this genie), so I'm only going to grant you one wish. There's 3 things I can do for you, I can grant you infinite wisdom, limitless wealth, or eternal beauty." The bloke thinks for a minute, pondering all the mistakes that he's made in his life (like the first missus, the second missus etc) and says "I take infinite wisdom please." So the genie says "OK, no problem, infinite wisdom is yours" and disappears back into the lamp. Within a nano-second the bloke says "Bollocks! I knew I should have taken the fucking money."
You couldn't make it up could you. I spent much of the weekend dozing on the sofa watching telly. Glastonbury was on, although sad to say there was no Snoop Dog, Bone Jovi or any other canine related artists. The big news seemed to be the lack of female headliners and now we know why as one scored a spectacular own goal. She missed her slot cos she was doing her hair. It takes ages she said. Why NOT start doing your hair well before your show time. Aaagh no where's my handbag I've left it in the car, I've got to back to fetch it.