Why is it that it makes all the girls want to dress up like fucking Daisy Duke or Kylie? There's nothing more guaranteed to get me to chuck my breakfast up than some fat munter in tight shorts and a skimpy top. What's up with them? Have they no self respect? They usually either have milky white skin or are more burnt than Nicky Lauda's ears after 20 minutes in the fucking microwave. We saw one this morning who's arse was so large that she left a trail of slug-like slime all down the pavement in front of us. The dirty cow. Fat girls, NO! Stay indoors until winter for fuck's sake you ugly trolls.

We got the bus back from Leeds at the weekend, and a right fucking weirdo that the kids immediately christened "Bus Jesus" got on. He was white, but had dreadlocks, clad in shorts and flip flops and donned a bit of a beard. He was clearly on "medication" and sat down and immediately scanned the bus for his next victim/disciple. Luckily it wasn't us, although it was directly behind us. Bus Jesus then decides to avail the entire bus of his thoughts on life, philosophy and pretty much everything else. "I always think that to learn something, you have to go out there and learn it"- cheers, Bus Jesus, I hadn't really thought of it that way. The best one though was undoubtedly "Why can't people just say what they are thinking? Why do they have to bottle it up? They just stare at their mobile phones." At which point I wish I could report that me Dad turned round and said "Shut the fucking flying fucking fuck up Bus Fucking Jesus, you bo...