We got the bus back from Leeds at the weekend, and a right fucking weirdo that the kids immediately christened "Bus Jesus" got on. He was white, but had dreadlocks, clad in shorts and flip flops and donned a bit of a beard. He was clearly on "medication" and sat down and immediately scanned the bus for his next victim/disciple. Luckily it wasn't us, although it was directly behind us. Bus Jesus then decides to avail the entire bus of his thoughts on life, philosophy and pretty much everything else. "I always think that to learn something, you have to go out there and learn it"- cheers, Bus Jesus, I hadn't really thought of it that way. The best one though was undoubtedly "Why can't people just say what they are thinking? Why do they have to bottle it up? They just stare at their mobile phones." At which point I wish I could report that me Dad turned round and said "Shut the fucking flying fucking fuck up Bus Fucking Jesus, you boring moronic fucking hippy twat. There's a reason that white people don't sport fucking dreadlocks. It's the same reason that Bob Marley wasn't blonde. Do you get my fucking drift you sad little piece of fucking turd piss? It make you look like a total tit-faced bell end. It made Mick Hucknall look like a complete fucking ginger twat didn't it, so why would you be any different?" But sadly he didn't. He just stared at his mobile phone.
Is a sheepdog and his two-legged is a farmer. Frank was out with him in the tractor drilling wheat last autumn and they unearthed a rusty old lamp. So the farmer hopped out of the cab to have a closer look at it and gave it a little rub on his jacket, as you do, and was amazed to see a genie appear and offer to grant him any wish he wanted. Well the farmer thought for a moment and then said "I'd like the price of wheat to go to £200/tonne!" So the genie sighed but said "OK, I'll sort that out for you then, you greedy bastard" and popped back into his bottle. And the farmer casually tossed the lamp into the back of his cab and got on with his drilling. Well they were out again this morning putting a bit of nitrogen on, Frank and the farmer, and the farmer spotted the lamp and gave it a little rub again, just on the off chance, and you'll never guess what happened, the genie popped out again, and said that he'd grant the farmer one more wish. So the fa...