Quote today from one incensed French diplomat: Britain is acting "like a man who wants to go to a wife-swapping party without taking his own wife." I say the French are acting like a man who says he's going to war with Germany then lets them march into town and do what they want whilst he goes and hides in the bushes. Pooh count: a pleasing brace, Merkel and Sarkozy I've called them, one a sizable effort and the other quite small and wrinkly.

This new planet that they've found which the tabloids are calling "the new earth" - just like Devon and Cornwall it's apparently heavily populated with Man Utd and Liverpool fans. Keplar 22b - me Dad reckons he saw a bus with that on the front of it on his way home from the pub last night. Moron. Why don't they give them exciting names like Kerspangle 99 instead? Pooh count: two, it's so cold out there both of which gave off more steam than Drax. In fact I might post them down there, I reckon there'd still be enough energy left in them to boil a couple of kettles at the very least.

What's all the excitement about? Them pandas that the Chinese have lent to Edinburgh zoo, I reckon they'll be dead by Christmas. Scottish 'keepers are rubbish, it's a well-known fact. It's ironic though that a couple of Chinese pandas can potentially do more for the Scottish economy than a nation of Jocks can do for themselves. Me Dad says he went to Perth once and it was rubbish. He didn't see one kangaroo, a koala or nothing. This Scots fella walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for a steak and kiddly pie. The guy behind the counter laughs and says "you just asked for a steak & kiddly pie." The Jock says "no I diddly." Pooh count: just the one, I might send it up there and they can deep fry it.